I’m alone this week. I was alone last week and I’ll inevitably be alone for a few weeks more. You see, I live with my dad and he is working away for a while. He comes home on Fridays for the weekend but then he goes back. Thus, alone.
I first want to confirm that am ok with being alone. I’m not one of those people who can’t stand my own company, nor am I one of those people who is scared of being by myself. I mean, I’m a pretty rad dude so why would I not want to hang out with myself?! There’s nothing wrong with being on your own, and actually I quite like the fact that I have the house to myself. Not that I don’t love and miss my dad but its kind of like when I was young(er) and I stayed up super late to watch a movie after everyone else had gone to bed. There’s a kind of thrill to it…at least for a while!
Being comfortable with being along is why I am so content in being single. I’ve never felt the need to be tied down to another person (gosh, isn’t that a terrible way to look at it?), and have always been happy in the knowledge that I don’t need someone else to feel complete. I am perfectly complete as I am, thank you very much! But lately, I confess, though it pains me to admit, I wish (just a little) that I had a someone.
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts on facebook lately from a certain friend. I love this friend dearly, and don’t begrudge her a thing. But her recent posts are all about how happy she is with her boyfriend and how in love they are and how their lives are going well. And whenever I see them lately, a tiny part of me is curled up in a ball sobbing because I am alone. You see, currently I am a girl and in pain and I am sick and sleep deprived and emotional, and all I want is to go to bed and have someone’s arms around me. Because hugging yourself doesn’t quite have the same effect, you understand.
I hate the fact that I’m being such a girl about this. As someone who identifies as a strong and independent young woman (*snap snap* mmm hmmm!), I feel like this desire for human contact is a folly. Especially considering how I actually hate people and am not usually this needy. I am so agressively single – which is to say that I actually kind of revel in my independence – that the idea of needing someone else for comfort makes me feel a little…weak. I feel this way, despite the fact that I KNOW needing someone isn’t a weakness. It’s part of being human.
This will pass, naturally. It’s not so much a result of loneliness (because loneliness and being alone are two different things, and I am the latter, not the former) as it is my body’s current state of pain and sickness messing with my reasonable brain. Plus, it’s perfectly normal to feel like this sometimes anyway. But knowing that doesn’t really help how I feel at the moment. Damn this being a woman business. I’m chucking it in and becoming a man. Men don’t have emotions, right? *wink*