The Art of Flirting

I went out for tea with a friend of mine last night. We were sitting there after finishing our meal, waiting, at first patiently, and then less so patiently for the waitress to come and clear our plates so we could order more drinks. (‘Full table service provided’ doesn’t mean much to these people, evidently.) When the somewhat snooty waitress finally deigned to do her job and come and ask us if everything was ok, we decided to order two hot chocolates. As she was taking our order, another waitress came up and stood beside her while she wrote our order down. Then she told us, completely unexpectedly, that our drinks would be free, courtesy of two young chaps who had been sitting outside and thought we were cute.

Never in my life has anyone bought me a drink and I confess, I thought the gesture was impossibly sweet. But it presented us with a problem; how to avoid awkwardness. My friend is in a long term relationship and me? Well, guys aren’t really my thing. Neither one of the lads came up to speak to us personally and I only caught the barest glimpse of them as they walked up to the counter a little later. We told the waitress to pass on our gratitude but when they went up to the counter, we did the cowardly thing and left while they were distracted. Bit of a pussy move, huh? I can practically see you shaking your collective heads as you read this.

The thing is, neither one of us really know the proper etiquette if you will, that is involved in being on the receiving end of a shouted drink. Do you go and talk to the buyer? Do you give them a nod of acknowledgment from across the room? Do you go home and sleep with them? Ok, honestly now I’m just confusing movies with reality again but the sad truth is that I honestly don’t know how to react to flirting. From a personal standpoint, I’m not very good at it. And I’ve never really been flirted with so much as had guys aggressively flirting at me.

I’m not the greatest in social situations, especially those involving horny guys, or even to a lesser degree, guys who just find me attractive. It’s not that I don’t think I’m a bit of alright, it’s just that I’m never interested and would rather avoid that awkwardness altogether. I’ve had a number of experiences with guys who just couldn’t take no for an answer and my polite indifference soon turned to vehement and defensive anger. I’m not trying to be rude but I just don’t want to have a drink with you, or see a movie with you, or catch up some time. It’s nothing personal.

I don’t flirt because flirting leads to trouble if only one party is interested and I’m legitimately never interested. I don’t see the point in leading a person on if you have no interest, all for the sake of being polite or because you’re bored. The problem is that being that I’m no good at it, I don’t flirt with people I find attractive to start a conversation either. Social awkwardness and all that. So really, the moral of this story is that I am destined to be single forever because I have not and can not master the art of flirting. Bring on the cats.

P.S. I actually don’t like cats. Shit. Better think of a Plan B.

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