Forgive Me My Nostalgia

I’m feeling nostalgic. I don’t often fall victim to bouts of nostalgia, but this last week I can’t seem to help it. Maybe it’s my impending period causing my mind to go a little gaga. Maybe it’s the fact that this week I had an employment opportunity wrenched from under me. Maybe it’s the half bottle of wine I drank. Maybe I’m just wallowing in self pity. Whatever the reason, I find myself missing the old times.

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I miss my bookshop. Collins has been closed for two years next month, and I still sometimes feel like I’m never going to be as happy or at home in a job as I was there. I miss my data entry, my returns, my shelving. I miss my cups of tea in the back room, my piles of customer orders to sort through, my favourite regulars. I miss being constantly surrounded by books, and like minded nerds. I was offered a job running a second-hand bookshop a few months back. It was a perfect opportunity for me, and I was excited and I got my hopes up and then a couple of days ago, I was told it wasn’t happening. My little heart shattered, and though I put on a nonchalant facade, I was disappointed and more upset than I wanted to admit. Though I hate acknowledging the truth, I doubt I’ll ever again work in a bookshop. And right now, that kinda sucks harder than normal.

I miss my school friends, when we all used to hang out and see each other regularly. Nowadays I’m lucky if we even text every few months. Everyone seems to be moving on with their lives, and I feel like I’m stuck in this hometown that I’ve long since outgrown. I want to move forward and yet this week I feel like I’m stuck reminiscing about the past. I know you don’t need to talk you your friends every day for the relationships to still be meaningful. But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss when things were easier, and seeing my friends every day was expected.

And finally, I miss being in a relationship. Everywhere I look lately, I see happy couples. And I hate them. In one of my rare moments of envy, I want to have what they have and because I don’t, I really do hate them. I miss having someone to hold hands with, and go to bed with, and stay up late and watch movies with. I want the happy couples to take their love and go somewhere else with it.

Forgive me, I’ve begun to wallow out loud. It’s been a shitty few days, and I guess I just needed to vent it out. But, it is the weekend, finally. Which means I’m going to spend the next three days not thinking about work, or the future, or the past. Happy Friday, y’all.

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