On Casual Sex, Relationships, and Good Old Fashioned Masturbation

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I went to the gym last night. I’m not a gym person; in fact kind of hate the whole gym thing as a general rule, but I figured I’d go with a friend and check it out. But that’s not the point of this blog. When I went to work this morning, my friend suggested I go into the new sportswear shop that opened in the plaza. When I asked why, he said ‘to go chat to the girls in there. You can tell them you want to go to the gym but don’t have anyone to go with. Maybe they will invite you to go with them. Maybe you could meet someone.’

‘But I don’t want to meet someone!’

I can’t properly convey my emphatic exasperation that accompanied that sentence but believe me, it was there. You see, I grow increasingly tired of people expecting me to want to be in a relationship, or to want sex, or companionship or whatever it is most people want. My friend and I had, just the day before, discussed my unwillingness to engage in casual sex, and my contentment at being single. And yet he still pushed the idea of me meeting someone as a motivating factor for going to the gym. I know he meant nothing by it but it’s frustrating to explain your stance on something, and then have it totally disregarded.

I have never had casual sex. I’m not saying it’s bad, and I’m certainly not judging anyone who does. All power to you, my orgasm loving brethren! But for me personally, I have to have some kind of emotional connection with a person before I even consider sex. I don’t mean I necessarily have to be in a relationship with a person I choose to sleep with, but I’d like to at least know more than their name. Basically, I don’t want to just pick up a stranger at a nightclub, take them home and have meaningless and in all likelihood, unsatisfying sex. I love good sex. And for me, good sex comes from being with someone I know and like and am turned on by. And given how much I largely dislike humanity as a whole, it takes a bit more than casual flirtation to make me wanna jump in bed with someone. Hence, casual sex is off the table.

People have a tendency to judge my decision, or think it strange because it goes against the norm. I can think of very few women – or people in general actually – in their twenties who haven’t had at least one casual hook up. It’s the expected thing of people in my age group. We all enjoy sex, and a lot of people I know enjoy sex with anyone who they have a mutual attraction with; whether they’re friends, or partners, or a random fling with a random person they met on the town. And so my choice to not engage in casual sex seems strange. My friend said yesterday that it’s not that they are judging me, it’s because my choice is essentially a religious one, without the religion. He said it’s strange for a person with no religious beliefs or affiliations to have a view of sex that so closely ties in with certain aspects of religion. And while I’d never thought about it like that, I don’t wholeheartedly agree with him.

I’m not a virgin. And I do enjoy sex. If I met someone tomorrow, and we hit it off really well and decided mutually that we wanted to sleep together, I’d want to have all the sex all the time. Because if you can have it, why wouldn’t you want good sex? But here’s the other side of the coin; I don’t really care that much if I don’t have sex. I know, that sounds like a load of crap, but it’s true. The thing is, I don’t need people in the same way a lot of others do. The desire for companionship is pretty much non existent with me. I am totally content in my single life, and not just because I’m trying to convince myself that it’s true. Mostly, I find the idea of being in a relationship a bit constricting to be honest. I like being on my own, and while I’m not discounting any future relationships or intentionally cutting myself off from the possibility of having one, I’m not actively seeking it either. And even though I am well aware that it isn’t the same thing, I’d like to point out that I’m fucking great at getting myself off. If pleasure is what I want, I certainly don’t need someone else for that.

Sex is good. Good sex is better. But if you’re not comfortable and completely at ease, you’re not going to enjoy sex. Which is why I have not, and will not, partake in casual sex. I don’t feel I could be comfortable sleeping with someone I don’t know or have only just met. It’s not a religious thing. I’m not saving myself, I’m not keeping my bits under lock and key because I think they’re special, and I’m certainly not waiting for any Prince(ss) Charming. I’m happy to carry on as I have been. Despite what a lot of people think, I’m not missing out on anything and I’m not lacking. I suppose it’s difficult to understand because so many people think that being single and sexless is a completely negative thing, and that those of us in that position should act accordingly. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you all, but I’m good. I’m fact, I’m better than good. I have regular and satisfying orgasms, I don’t have to worry about anyone else but me, and I don’t have to fight for the covers in the middle of the night.

If you’re having the sex, you have my wholehearted congratulations. But if you’ll excuse me, after all this talk I think I’m going to go and indulge in some self sex. Many happy orgasms to you all!

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5 thoughts on “On Casual Sex, Relationships, and Good Old Fashioned Masturbation

  1. I too have never had a fling or one night stand. I too was happy on my own doing my own thing. It meant I could travel the world and not answer to anyone. I think because of this I ended up finding the perfect person for me and I am now married.

  2. The fact that you are comfortable enough in yourself to not be in a relationship and have no need for casual sex is something I’m incredibly jealous of. I slept with a lot of people, not because I entirely wanted to but because I wanted to feel close to someone. It’s a totally awesome thing that you don’t need that type of validation, but people don’t understand that because in all honesty, life is depressing and most of us just want someone to share the burden with.

    1. I don’t object to casual sex for other people, of that’s what they want or need or like. But I’m pretty solitary as a general rule, and so I don’t feel the urge for that closeness most of the time.

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