10:30 Thoughts

I feel weird when I say affectionate stuff. I say it and immediately regret it, and spend the next ten minutes wondering if the receiver of my affection thinks I’m a sap because I think I’m a sap.

I sometimes want to turn off all of my emotions. I think my life would be a lot easier if I could flip a switch on my emotional range and not feel anything. Except I’ve felt nothing before and it’s not really any easier.

I hate having to be the adult sometimes. I make the tough decisions because I know it’s the only way anything is going to progress but I hate myself for being the rational one. Sometimes I just want to flip out and be irrational and emotional but I can’t because that’s not my job. Must be solid as a rock, always. Must be infallible.

I feel I am constantly disappointed by people. They always manage to let me down in some way. Often seemingly insignificant ways, but each disappointment is like a needle in the eye. Maybe one day it will be enough to blind me to the problem, and it won’t affect me so much anymore.

The future scares me. It’s so long ahead of me and at the same time, so short. I could die tomorrow and have done very little with my life. Or I could die in sixty years and still have done very little with my life. The notion of maintaining a facade for the rest of my foreseeable future exhausts me. I am ready for the long sleep now, I think.

And then there’s all the little things. The time vanishes so quickly and I can’t keep up with all the things I have to do. Give me more time. And how am I meant to buy groceries like an adult, anyway? Can I hire someone to do that for me? Be the responsible grocery buying part of an adult that hasn’t quite managed to take root in my personality yet. Is it something you learn?

How is everyone around me functioning so well when I feel like I’m falling apart? For so long, I’ve been leaving tiny pieces of myself in my wake, to be trodden on and forgotten, and now I’m not sure how much of me I have left.

This life stuff is hard, y’all.

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