A Little Lost and Weary

I have made a terrible mistake. 

If I had a dollar for every time that thought has crossed my mind in recent months, I would be able to quit my job and live comfortably for the rest of my life. In fact, I have thought it so many times that I don’t remember the last day I had where I didn’t think it.

I have come to the conclusion that I am either exceedingly unlucky, or someone hates me and has put a curse on me. There is simply no other explanation for my string of bad luck lately. Everything I touch seems to turn to shit. Every decision I make seems to be the wrong one. Every potentially good day I could have turns irrefutably, invariably sour. And I realise as I type, that perhaps this reads like the angsty drama of an overly emotional teenager who thinks the world is out to get her, or a cry for attention. I assure you, it is neither. This goes beyond just having a bad day. Despite my best efforts to stay positive, I find myself more unhappy now than ever.

I feel lost. I don’t know what my next move is, and in any case I’m afraid to make one because I fear the long list of negative repercussions that will inevitably follow. And there is a small voice in the back of my mind that tells me that that is exactly the wrong mindset to have. But the louder voice tells me that it doesn’t matter how positive I try to think, because I have been left disappointed every. Single. Time. So why should the near future be any different from the recent past?

I am so sick of this life. I’m sick of feeling stuck wherever I go. I’m sick of waking up every day and wanting to not wake up ever again. I’m sick of working constantly for little to no reward, in a job I don’t even have any passion for anymore. I’m sick of not having any direction, and I am dead sick of always, always being wrong. Just once, I would like to do something and have it not backfire in my face. *sigh*. I’m sorry. There’s nothing like a girl complaining online to kill your buzz. I guess the only thing I can do now (short of something that I promised I would never do) is to go home, make myself a cup of tea, and immerse myself in my writing. It’s new, this project I’ve started, but it hits close to home. And when the rest of my life seems to be falling spectacularly to pieces, I cling to creativity like a lifeline. Hopefully it will get me through this time too.

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5 thoughts on “A Little Lost and Weary

  1. I can empathise with you on feeling that way. I have heard it all before, the positive crap people try to throw at you to make you feel better.
    Here is my advice, as unwanted as it may be. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Block all the shit out and just immerse yourself in the feeling of being happy doing something, at least once a day. It won’t help how you feel for the majority of the day, but you will have positive feelings to propel you forward every day.

  2. There is little in an ordinary life that is worse than repeated tedium. I’m using the term ‘ordinary’ because I’m presuming that you, like me, are not in any sort of forced labor camp or being actively pursued by people who want to harm you. I certainly hope your life is ordinary, even if you yourself and your ideas are extraordinary (I hope you see the distinction!).

    Most days just really aren’t that exciting. Add to that a sense of guilt for feeling bored and frustrated and stuck…. It’s as if admitting that you want MORE (not things, just more value out of the prosaic) is somehow selfish and wrong because, let’s face it, there are people with “real” problems. I go through tremendous bouts of this sort of ennui. It can be debilitating.

    Hold on to that creativity. It is a lifeline. And remember: sometimes the muse may go silent, but that means something richer and more complex is germinating.

    1. You summed it up far more eloquently than me, and I appreciate your kind words. Sometimes it is enough to just know that there are people out there who understand.

  3. Hold on a gosh darn minute there young missy, one of the many reasons I respect you is that you have a vision for where you want to go and how you plan to get there, you have many talents that most envy, including myself . I don’t think for a second that you are incapable of anything once you put your mind to it, as you’ve said you are tougher than I (as much as I hate admitting that 😝😝) I feel the same l, seven years I’ve been in uni trying figure out what to do next but having no answer, and it all seems hopeless to a degree, you at least reached a starting point one which I still struggle to find, so let us struggle together, get our hand dirty and kick punch claw and crawl our way to the farshore where things will be a little less shittier

    P.S sorry for any typos and bad grammar my head thinks faster than my hands can write.😊

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