I have made a terrible mistake.
If I had a dollar for every time that thought has crossed my mind in recent months, I would be able to quit my job and live comfortably for the rest of my life. In fact, I have thought it so many times that I don’t remember the last day I had where I didn’t think it.
I have come to the conclusion that I am either exceedingly unlucky, or someone hates me and has put a curse on me. There is simply no other explanation for my string of bad luck lately. Everything I touch seems to turn to shit. Every decision I make seems to be the wrong one. Every potentially good day I could have turns irrefutably, invariably sour. And I realise as I type, that perhaps this reads like the angsty drama of an overly emotional teenager who thinks the world is out to get her, or a cry for attention. I assure you, it is neither. This goes beyond just having a bad day. Despite my best efforts to stay positive, I find myself more unhappy now than ever.
I feel lost. I don’t know what my next move is, and in any case I’m afraid to make one because I fear the long list of negative repercussions that will inevitably follow. And there is a small voice in the back of my mind that tells me that that is exactly the wrong mindset to have. But the louder voice tells me that it doesn’t matter how positive I try to think, because I have been left disappointed every. Single. Time. So why should the near future be any different from the recent past?
I am so sick of this life. I’m sick of feeling stuck wherever I go. I’m sick of waking up every day and wanting to not wake up ever again. I’m sick of working constantly for little to no reward, in a job I don’t even have any passion for anymore. I’m sick of not having any direction, and I am dead sick of always, always being wrong. Just once, I would like to do something and have it not backfire in my face. *sigh*. I’m sorry. There’s nothing like a girl complaining online to kill your buzz. I guess the only thing I can do now (short of something that I promised I would never do) is to go home, make myself a cup of tea, and immerse myself in my writing. It’s new, this project I’ve started, but it hits close to home. And when the rest of my life seems to be falling spectacularly to pieces, I cling to creativity like a lifeline. Hopefully it will get me through this time too.