Being is Hard

It is not an easy thing, to be alive. You’ve got to worry about breathing, and speaking, and managing the ins and outs of living every day. You have to deal with your emotions, and make sure you’re expressing the right ones at the right times. You have to find a job, and pay your bills, and remember to eat, and watch your weight, and try to carve out some semblance of a life within your existence. I mean, it’s an exhausting thing, being.

Maybe it’s just me. After 55 days without a proper day off (but who’s counting?), I think exhaustion is my new normal. My permanent state of being, I guess you might say. It’s hard to imagine a life where things aren’t complicated and just a little bit shit. But there is light at the end of the tunnel; I have a weekend off. I have plans already, because I don’t know how to have a day off without filling it with things, but the point is that there will be two consecutive days where I don’t have to go to work, or think about work, or deal with anything work related. As you can imagine, I am thrilled.

I’ve been having a bit of a bad time of it lately. Staving off impending blackness by throwing myself into my endless days of monotonous work which, paradoxically only add to the negative swirl of emotions circling me like ravenous vultures. It’s a vicious cycle, y’all. What I would really like is to win the lottery, move to Tasmania and sleep for a year, uninterrupted. It’s a record breaking lottery this week so you never know, maybe I’ll get lucky. Then again, knowing my luck – not to mention the statistical improbability of actually winning the lottery – I’ll probably win nothing.

Maybe I’ll feel better after I cry. Maybe all this exhaustion is getting to me, and my poor little broken heart will be able to start healing herself after I’ve let go of the negative energy I seem to have been unconsciously holding on to. Maybe being won’t seem so hard afterwards. Who knows, I might even start to feel normal again afterwards. I’ll let you know.

5 thoughts on “Being is Hard

  1. Ah, Amy it does sound like you’re having a sucky time of it. Are you working odd shifts where days off are here and there? I used to hate shifts where basically your day off was spent thinking that the next day is work. Is it maybe time to start looking for a new job? If this one has become monotonous maybe you need something you’re more passionate about? Although, I know it’s much easier said than done to land that kind of job. I really really hope you get lucky and win the big break with the lottery! But more than anything I hope that your weekend off is enjoyable and helps you recharge and feel a little more like you and a little less like a worker bee. Also, a good cry is super beneficial at getting those nasty toxins out. Feel better soon sweetheart. xxxx

    1. We have a new trainee who is going to work her first solo shift on Sunday, which is partly why I get the weekend off, but up until then there has just been no one to cover the days, which is why I’ve been there every day for two months! But, I did indeed have a big ol’ cry, and then a big sleep and I only have 3 more days until the weekend, so things are improving already! Thank you for you kind words, lovely one. xx

      1. Dear Lord that sucks… so happy for you that finally someone else is coming to to take on some shifts. That’s just bloody awful. No wonder you felt so rubbish. Cheers to a change in pace! xx

    1. Thank you! I cried and slept, and I feel a little more normal this morning! Just have to power through 3 more working days and I’m free!

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