My heart aches. I feel things coming to an end, that can never end without suffering. I am conflicted, and confused, and I want there to be an easy solution to this complicated problem.

I am struggling, and it is harder and harder to pretend that I am ok. My energy is draining, my soul has become a wilted, battered thing. I don’t even have it in me anymore to rage. It has all given way to sadness, and the unkind truth. I can’t pretend. I can no longer tell myself the same lies, and expect to believe them.

I have turned into someone I don’t like all that much. I hear the words leave my lips and they sound desperate, pleading, even to my own ears. I listen to the sounds of petulance and pain and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I think if I make myself loathesome enough…I guess after everything, I’m still a coward. I want a way out, so desperately, and yet at the same time all I want is to have it all. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore.

I need a cosmic hammer to shatter everything I am barely holding together. I crave a shift in circumstance and I am on the precipice, I am ready to throw myself off and see what comes next. I just have the urge to fling myself into the ocean and see where the tide takes me. But at the same time, I am terrified. Fuck it. I dare someone to push me.

3 thoughts on “Precipice

  1. Amy, what’s going on? You have me worried with this post.
    I became someone I really didn’t like for a while, but I’m changing that as best I can, something I think we can all do with time. And you must always go easy on yourself, I say this to everyone, but you’re awesome dude so go especially easy on yourself!
    Fuck it can be a good change mentality, I use it when fear is pushing me in the wrong direction, but only if that fuck it is a beneficial one! Beware the fuck it that hurts us!
    If this comment is a bit weird it’s because I can’t wake up today, so I’m sorry about that. I hope you know that I care about you and whatever it is in your life making you feel this way, I really believe you’ll figure out the best way through it sooner rather than later. 💜🐢

    1. Oh Arbie, you are such a genuine soul, and a wonderful friend. I’m sorry if I worried you, I’ve had a rough couple of days and I wrote my post in a haze of tears and mild sleep deprivation. I am ok, I’m just struggling with a few things at the moment, and I’m feeling a little lost, and a little stuck. But I’ll work it out, I always do!
      Thank you for your kind words, and your concern. It is appreciated far more than I can express, and I am incredibly thankful that this platform has allowed me to make such a cherished friend. ❤❤

      1. Thank you for getting back to me when you’ve got so much on your plate! I’m sorry you’re having to go through anything confusing or negative, and I know I really don’t need to tell you this, but just to further be an annoying friend, do please take care of yourself with sleep and eating and sewing and whatever else makes you happy! Really hoping things work out for you soon. 🙂 xxxx

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