My heart aches. I feel things coming to an end, that can never end without suffering. I am conflicted, and confused, and I want there to be an easy solution to this complicated problem.
I am struggling, and it is harder and harder to pretend that I am ok. My energy is draining, my soul has become a wilted, battered thing. I don’t even have it in me anymore to rage. It has all given way to sadness, and the unkind truth. I can’t pretend. I can no longer tell myself the same lies, and expect to believe them.
I have turned into someone I don’t like all that much. I hear the words leave my lips and they sound desperate, pleading, even to my own ears. I listen to the sounds of petulance and pain and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I think if I make myself loathesome enough…I guess after everything, I’m still a coward. I want a way out, so desperately, and yet at the same time all I want is to have it all. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore.
I need a cosmic hammer to shatter everything I am barely holding together. I crave a shift in circumstance and I am on the precipice, I am ready to throw myself off and see what comes next. I just have the urge to fling myself into the ocean and see where the tide takes me. But at the same time, I am terrified. Fuck it. I dare someone to push me.