I haven’t written much lately. The truth is, I haven’t felt up to it, and I haven’t had the words to explain how I’m feeling. In a way, my blog is like a diary; a way to vent out the things I wouldn’t dare say out loud to the people I know. You, my readers, you guys are different because for the most part, you don’t actually know me. I’m a stranger on the internet. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to strangers. And besides, if you know all my secrets, then it doesn’t matter that no one else does, because I can then maintain this tough girl facade.
I can’t talk to the people I know about how lonely I am. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. How do you tell them that sometimes you literally cry yourself to sleep because there is a physical ache in your chest? I mean, crying is for weaklings, right? How do you explain that the sight of couples in the street, or on television, or in photos on the internet, makes you feel a little bit empty, because you’re always the odd one out? How do you tell your closest friends that sometimes, you just need someone to hug you, and kiss your forehead, and tell you that you are, in fact, enough?
It’s partly my fault, I guess. I’ve worked so hard to present myself as this tough, independent, solitary person, that maybe the people I know actually believe me. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk to them about this stuff. Not that I’ve ever really been that good at talking about my feelings in person anyway, but it’s particularly difficult when the words I want to say sound weak and childish to my own ears. No, best to just keep up the facade I think.
The crux of it is, I think I am going to be on my own for a very long time. Maybe even my whole life. And I know that sounds melodramatic, and probably typical of a lot of single people. But I don’t mean it in an angsty, teenage, My Chemical Romance kind of way. I mean it in the heart achingly lonely way of someone who feels a whole lot of nothing a whole lot of the time.
I hope you don’t mind me spilling my secrets out to you like this. I just needed to get some things off my chest, and if you want to judge me, that’s actually ok, since I don’t know you. It’s easier than talking to the people that I actually do know, at any rate. So long as they’re in the dark, then I can go on pretending that I’m doing ok, without having to have the awkward conversation about my feelings or…y’know…whatever.