8.12.18

My face is green with makeup, and I’ve just removed all the clothing I’ve been wearing for the last five hours, sans my underwear. I didn’t get half as drunk as I planned to be at the 21st birthday I attended tonight (That being the reason I was made up and dressed). It’s hot, as Australian summer nights tend to be, and my windows are open to let in the faintest of breezes into my stifling bedroom. There is music playing from somewhere distantly near, the soulful tones of a female vocalist ringing clear through the sounds of birdcall and cicada song.

I yearn for something I can’t voice aloud, lest the illusion be broken. This mask of mine grows heavier by the day, and I can barely stand it. I ache to break free of this sameness, and from the likewise sadness, but I’m trapped within this endless cycle. I want to climb a mountain, and scream from it’s summit; release the primordial rage and emptiness that lurks below the surface of my very skin, and cast it away from me.

Maybe you understand, or maybe this all seems like incoherent rambling. Maybe I’ll regret it in the morning, when the clear head logic reminds me that I keep my emotions hidden for a reason. But now, in this cloying near-midnight, I can only pour my soul into the ether and hope that one day, I’ll smile without the strain of force and facade.

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Rainy Night Thoughts

It’s 10:30pm. I have my window open so I can hear the sound of the rain, and I kind of wish I could stay like this forever.

I love the rain. The smell, the sound, the taste. There’s something so soothing about it, and it fills me with a sense of calm and absolute contentment. Life has been a bit shit lately, so it’s nice to just lay here in the dark and enjoy one of my favourite things.

There was a huntsman in the lounge room earlier. He only had seven legs, but the span of those legs would have been the size of my palm. He was very active, moving from this corner of the room to that one. He came down the wall once, but I tapped the wall beside the couch and he scurried back up to the ceiling, much quicker than I expected. I’m not scared of him, but I would much prefer that he doesn’t decide to camp in my bedroom tonight. The rain brought him inside, as it often does, and I don’t mind giving the furry little big guy a warm, dry home for the night.

It’s nights like this I wish I didn’t have to get up and go to work in the morning. I’ve recently gone from two to four days a week between two stores. I know it was the right decision, as much as I wasn’t happy about having to make it. But that still doesn’t make it easier to get up and go to work! It always seems to rain when I’m stuck inside at work, instead of at home. Tonight is an exception, and one I’m very happy about.

Sometimes I wish I could just live in a little stormy bubble. It might sound depressing to some, but I’ve always been one to chase the rain.

Simplicity

It looks as though, once again, I will be making a move within the next few months. If things turn out the way I’m hoping they will, I’ll be set to return to my home town, and wave goodbye to the town I have only recently moved to.

I moved away to be closer to a job I no longer have. That is the long and the short of it. It’s not where I expected to be at this time in the year, but it’s where I am nevertheless. Since the only friends I have in my current town are always working, I am very much by myself pretty much all the time. Which makes being in an unfamiliar town somewhat…dull. Add to this, the fact that I am desperately broke, and you have a recipe for misery.

I am also contemplating selling off much of my stuff. Furniture wise, there’s nothing I care too much to keep. Ideally, I’d like to move into a new place with a completely fresh start. Lately I’ve been aching for simplicity. To rid myself of all the complex things, material and immaterial alike, and and de-clutter my life. I feel that a large part of the reason why I seem to be floundering so much this year is because I’m holding onto heavy things. Subconsciously, my brain is feeling overcrowded and my life is much the same way.

If I do end up moving back home, I’ve made myself a promise to try and get my shit together. It’s not going to be easy, but I can start small and go from there. So long as I’m making progress, so long as I’m moving forward, even by tiny increments, then I think I’ll be ok.

Hello Mediocrity, my Old Friend…

I am having some kind of keep-me-up-awake-at-night existential crisis/drama, and I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that I am exactly where I was 12 months ago. See, 12 months ago, I left my job as a shoe repairer/watch repairer/engraver in the city, to work in a call centre back home. About four months ago, I got out of that call centre and found work in another one, working as an Ambulance call taker in a different town. It was a great job; it was fascinating, and challenging, and incredible. The six people I trained with are amongst the most amazing people I have ever met. And then I failed my assessment. And I failed it again. And I tried really hard. And then I didn’t have a job anymore, and so my buddy and former employer hired me back two days a week to get me by until I find another full time job in the town I now call home. So, when I say I am back where I was 12 months ago, I mean I am literally¬†where I was 12 months ago.

The sounds of screaming children in the playground beside my work kiosk are slowly edging me towards a homicidal massacre. The same calibre of customers I thought I was rid of are slowly draining my will to live, and to hold back the seething anger I feel every time a late middle aged man makes a joke about how I need a man to supervise me. Because I’m a woman, and very clearly we are incapable of doing anything without male supervision. (insert withering sarcasm here) And I have spent the last few weeks applying for mediocre jobs, because that’s all someone without any official qualifications is eligible to apply for. I mean, honestly, some of the requirements for job applications these days are bordering on unattainable. “To be eligible for this position, you must have several university degrees, nineteen thousand years experience in a similar role, the ability to fly a dragon single handed, and no problem doing the work of three people for $12 per hour.” Ok, so that might be a little dramatic, but the job market is disheartening, to say the least.

I think about the future, and what I think I might like to do, and come up with nothing. I am miserable in the present, and the notion of the future makes me even more so. I envy those people who have their lives all sorted out, because I am floundering in mediocrity here, and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it. After a long string of failures and disappointments, I’m trying to think of things worth sticking around for, and coming up short.

Someone bring me some chocolate and a puppy, please?

Grey Days

Most people I know love the sunny days, the heat, the balmy weather. Me, I love grey days. My favourite kind of weather is the miserable kind. Few things make me as happy as a rainy day, or a big thunderstorm; and I always feel a little bit sad when the sun comes out to play afterwards.

I am endlessly fascinated by clouds, and will often stop in the side of the road to photograph the sky with my shitty phone camera. Those views make me wish I was an artist, so I could spend my time painting the beautiful scenes I love so much.

It’s been especially cold and wet here the last few days, and as I write this I’m rugged up on my couch with a blanket and a cup of green tea. I’m rarely more content than I am right now.

Night Time Wanderings 

I haven’t gone for a walk in a long time. It’s been months since I first bought a gym membership, and I still hate going. I’m beginning to think this fitness thing isn’t for me. But tonight, after stuffing my face full of dinner (and leftover cheesecake for dessert) Igot a flash of motivation. I laced up my runners, put my headphones in, and took off. Nothing intensive and full on, but I’m keeping a nice pace nevertheless. 

I think thats the thing. Fitness on someone else’s terms doesn’t work for me. I prefer to go on my own; music in my ears and the night air on my skin. Instead of getting up early to go through rigorous training regimes that seem to have little effect for me so far, I find its better to go for a walk after the day has ended, a wind down instead of a wake up.

It gives me time to think, without the upcoming day clogging my brain with thoughts. And lately, with a long string of mini existential crises sapping all my energy, a little quiet reflection time is a relief. The exercise is simply an added bonus.

It’s the middle of summer. It’s 10pm and still 30 degrees. There’s not even a breath of wind, and there’s a sheen of sweat coating my brow, and pooling in the hollow of my throat. There’s few cars around, no people. My breath comes steadily, and I am very aware of the blood pumping in my veins. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this.

Overhaul 

There’s a few things I want to do. Firstly, I want to update my blog. I feel it’s looking a little stagnant; so now is as good a time as any to give it an overhaul. Of course, that requires an actual computer and proper internet, not just data on my phone. So, I need to somehow organise that, despite having no funds to actually connect the ‘net at home…but I digress!

Secondly – and I’ve been contemplating this for a while now – I want to cut my hair. I realised today that I have been actively growing my hair for almost six years. I love it long, but it just kind of…hangs there. I mean, not that I expect it to tap dance atop my head or anything but I, like my blog, feel a bit same same. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection about my appearance in recent weeks, actually. 

I wear a lot of black, almost exclusively if I’m being honest. I feel very strange and conspicuous in colour, and tend to avoid wearing it. But I get dressed every morning, and look in the mirror, and almost immediately look away again because I am just so tired of all this….same.

I need some change, y’all. I’m not in a bad place right now, but nevertheless, I feel like I need something to invigorate and energise me. A big fat injection of something new, y’know? It doesn’t even necessarily need to be anything drastic, just different. Maybe it’s as simple as a new shirt, or the aforementioned haircut. Maybe it’s about cleaning my car and rearranging my bedroom, and tossing out the old clothes that have faded, or no longer fit. Just something, anything to break up the monotony a little, and get me out of this rut.

The one thing that is different than normal, is the play. We perform next week, and I have one final costume to finish by Sunday. Our production has been written about and will be in today’s paper, complete with interviews from the other lead actor and myself, as well as a whole bunch of photos where we look just a little bit ridiculous, but in a good way. I’m not nervous, but give it a week and I’ll be shaking in my burgundy heels. Not least because my costume is pink! I mean, I know I said I need to wear less black, but pink is not what I had in mind!

Anyway, the sun is shining out there in the real world, so I guess I better get out and enjoy the day. Have a good weekend, guys!