Love-Hate Relationships; Body EditionĀ 

I’m chubby. There’s really no denying it now. Softer around the edges, wider around the hips, wobblier around the thighs, and all of my clothes range from just a little bit too tight, to blazingly uncomfortable. I am sometimes ok with it, sometimes not ok with it. Existing within a changing body is a strange thing.

I’m not used to carrying this extra weight, and I’ve spent a lot of time prodding and poking these newfound chubby bits, trying to make sense of them, and the way I now fit this new, heavier form. 

I used to be an incredibly active person. Everywhere I could go, I would walk. And then I got my license and I got lazy. And then I moved to the city and I didn’t trust the area enough to walk at my preferred time…which is and has always been in darkness. And then I got a job working in a call centre, where I spend most of my day sitting down. Slowly but surely, my weight crept up and up until I realised that it wasn’t just me noticing, but other people too. Now, I’m still perfectly healthy and all, I’m just all over rounder.

I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. Conspicuous. I have taken to wearing increasingly looser fitting clothing, both because I don’t like super tight fitting clothes and because I feel less obvious that way. This new insecurity is very unusual for me, who has always been fairly confident…if somewhat awkward. I’m not sure I like it all that much either. And I think that has a lot to do with my irritation at allowing myself to become so lazy. I think complacency can be a dangerous habit, and I’m annoyed that I’ve become that way.

I’ve been making more of a conscious effort of late, though. Trying to see the good things about this different figure, whilst simultaneously making an effort to get more regular exercise into my somewhat monotonous routine. I see a lot of beautiful curvy women and I see how comfortable and happy and confident they are, and I envy them a little, because I’m still not 100% happy with my own reflection at the moment. Everywhere I look I see slogans about body positivity, and I am doing my best to love my chubby body as much as I loved my un-chubby one. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I guess it’s human nature to feel uncomfortable in our own skin from time to time.