Random Life Update

I signed a rental lease yesterday, and today began the preparations for the pending move, which is in about three weeks. I sent off my first rent payment, and the bond. I am arranging to have my storage shed lease cancelled, I organised to have the electricity set up at the new house effective from my move in date, and now the only other things I need to do are make sure the gas gets connected, and cancel my gym membership…which has gone unused for at least the last two months. So, all in all, today I have been a real adult.

My new job is still going really well. I feel a little overwhelmed, and there have been more than a few times in the last two weeks where I feel like I’m not absorbing the information as fast or as well as I should be. It’s quite a complicated job, but I am hoping that I can keep barrelling on and do my best to stay ahead of the curve. Or at the very least, on par. However all those things aside, I’m really glad that I took the chance on the application and that I have come this far in the process. What makes the job even better are the people in my training group.

I’ve said before that I am not particularly good at making new friends. For a myriad of reasons, new friends and I don’t usually seem to stick. My work family are just a really rad bunch of people. There is a lot of laughter in that little training room, a lot of support, and daily shares of puppy photos. We have all fallen into a comfortable friendship in the last couple of weeks, and I feel really lucky to be in that group.

I’m in a very positive mindset at the moment, and I’m excited for the new changes and possibilities coming my way. It makes a nice change, that’s for damn sure! I’m going to leave you with a photo of the view I get to see every night on my drive home. It amazes me every time, just how far the distance stretches, and it makes me realise just how very small we really are.

Mt. Franklin view 4/4/18

Overhaul 

There’s a few things I want to do. Firstly, I want to update my blog. I feel it’s looking a little stagnant; so now is as good a time as any to give it an overhaul. Of course, that requires an actual computer and proper internet, not just data on my phone. So, I need to somehow organise that, despite having no funds to actually connect the ‘net at home…but I digress!

Secondly – and I’ve been contemplating this for a while now – I want to cut my hair. I realised today that I have been actively growing my hair for almost six years. I love it long, but it just kind of…hangs there. I mean, not that I expect it to tap dance atop my head or anything but I, like my blog, feel a bit same same. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection about my appearance in recent weeks, actually. 

I wear a lot of black, almost exclusively if I’m being honest. I feel very strange and conspicuous in colour, and tend to avoid wearing it. But I get dressed every morning, and look in the mirror, and almost immediately look away again because I am just so tired of all this….same.

I need some change, y’all. I’m not in a bad place right now, but nevertheless, I feel like I need something to invigorate and energise me. A big fat injection of something new, y’know? It doesn’t even necessarily need to be anything drastic, just different. Maybe it’s as simple as a new shirt, or the aforementioned haircut. Maybe it’s about cleaning my car and rearranging my bedroom, and tossing out the old clothes that have faded, or no longer fit. Just something, anything to break up the monotony a little, and get me out of this rut.

The one thing that is different than normal, is the play. We perform next week, and I have one final costume to finish by Sunday. Our production has been written about and will be in today’s paper, complete with interviews from the other lead actor and myself, as well as a whole bunch of photos where we look just a little bit ridiculous, but in a good way. I’m not nervous, but give it a week and I’ll be shaking in my burgundy heels. Not least because my costume is pink! I mean, I know I said I need to wear less black, but pink is not what I had in mind!

Anyway, the sun is shining out there in the real world, so I guess I better get out and enjoy the day. Have a good weekend, guys!

Love-Hate Relationships; Body Edition 

I’m chubby. There’s really no denying it now. Softer around the edges, wider around the hips, wobblier around the thighs, and all of my clothes range from just a little bit too tight, to blazingly uncomfortable. I am sometimes ok with it, sometimes not ok with it. Existing within a changing body is a strange thing.

I’m not used to carrying this extra weight, and I’ve spent a lot of time prodding and poking these newfound chubby bits, trying to make sense of them, and the way I now fit this new, heavier form. 

I used to be an incredibly active person. Everywhere I could go, I would walk. And then I got my license and I got lazy. And then I moved to the city and I didn’t trust the area enough to walk at my preferred time…which is and has always been in darkness. And then I got a job working in a call centre, where I spend most of my day sitting down. Slowly but surely, my weight crept up and up until I realised that it wasn’t just me noticing, but other people too. Now, I’m still perfectly healthy and all, I’m just all over rounder.

I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. Conspicuous. I have taken to wearing increasingly looser fitting clothing, both because I don’t like super tight fitting clothes and because I feel less obvious that way. This new insecurity is very unusual for me, who has always been fairly confident…if somewhat awkward. I’m not sure I like it all that much either. And I think that has a lot to do with my irritation at allowing myself to become so lazy. I think complacency can be a dangerous habit, and I’m annoyed that I’ve become that way.

I’ve been making more of a conscious effort of late, though. Trying to see the good things about this different figure, whilst simultaneously making an effort to get more regular exercise into my somewhat monotonous routine. I see a lot of beautiful curvy women and I see how comfortable and happy and confident they are, and I envy them a little, because I’m still not 100% happy with my own reflection at the moment. Everywhere I look I see slogans about body positivity, and I am doing my best to love my chubby body as much as I loved my un-chubby one. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I guess it’s human nature to feel uncomfortable in our own skin from time to time.

Returning Home

Last year, all I wanted to do was get out of my home town. I was feeling stifled and stuck and needed a change. I decided to move to the city, thinking it was going to make things better. I was wrong. It has been probably the worst eight months of my life, and I could sit here for hours and tell you why, but who wants to read that?

I miss home. I miss it so much that I drive back at every opportunity, usually just for the day. I will happily get in my car and drive for two hours, just to spend some time away from the city that has turned me into a tense little ball of constant rage and discontent. The anger in me has begun to scare me. It is endless, and getting worse. Everything makes me angry, from the big things to the trivial. And I can’t stand being this way. To be honest, I don’t think anyone can.

I miss the comfort of my dad’s cooking, and my favourite spot on the floor in front of his heater. I miss not having to drive for 45 minutes just to get somewhere. I miss being comfortable and familiar enough with a place to get out and go for a walk. I miss being close to my friends and family. All of the things that I couldn’t wait to get away from last year are now all the things that I long for. I guess home will always be home, no matter how much you may want to run away from it sometimes.

Living in the city hasn’t really worked out so well for me. So I have decided, that for my health (mental and physical), and for my sanity, I am going to move back home. For the last couple of weeks I have been looking for work – no luck yet, but keep your fingers crossed – and once I find a job, I will make my happy (if not triumphant) return. The lease on this place is up in August, so if I have no luck between now and then, it’s doesn’t matter so much anyway. Moving back home is inevitable at this point.

I Hate It Here

I’m not usually a ‘blog every day’ kind of girl. I don’t think I’m that interesting for a start, but also I really don’t often have something to talk about every day. But lately I’ve been blogging a lot more frequently. This has to do with two things; I rarely have anything to do at work in the mornings and so I need something to fill my time, and I need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t focus too much on the negative things that are swirling around me at the moment. I am trying very, very hard to keep on top of it all, and to stay positive and try and not let the bad stuff bring me down, but it’s not easy. Plus, I made a promise to myself to write 200 words per day, and even if it may not be for my current writing project, it has to be for something. And thus, lots of blog posts.

So, I was going to actually write about this yesterday, but my thoughts about Bourke St seemed more appropriate at the time. I started thinking about this post as I was driving to work yesterday. It wasn’t a particularly warm day, despite the fact that we’re coming up on the hottest month of the year, and the sky to the north of my house (in the direction of the city) was dark and moody, with the tease of a storm in the air. As I drove towards those imposing clouds, the contrast of the sun at my back seeming to turn them a darker shade of gloom, all I could think was that I wanted to chase them. And there was a part of me that would have done so, if it weren’t for my sense of responsibility urging me towards my place of employment instead of in the direction of the storm I so desperately long for. (which ultimately died away before it got much more interesting than light showers anyway). All I wanted, all I want is to drive away from this city and never come back.

It’s been just shy of five months since I moved. Hardly a long term commitment to city living. But already, I’m itching to leave. In the words of my eternal hero, Spider Jerusalem; I hate it here.

Image result for spider jerusalem I hate it here

It’s a lot of things that contribute to this all consuming hatred for my current way of living. I miss living on my own, I miss not having to commute for an hour to get to work, I miss having a job that didn’t make me miserable. And it seems ever since moving to this shop, things have been going wrong and getting progressively worse, to the point where I doubt every single day, my ability to do my job. There is a possible opportunity for advancement within my job in the coming months. An opportunity that has the potential to get me set up for a good long while. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that I’m not sure I want it. Yes, it would be a good opportunity for me, and yes I could say that I had achieved something big at the age of 24. But the crushing anxiety and doubt may just be too much for me to handle. And I know that doesn’t exactly sound like it fits in with my whole positive vibe, but the flipside is that my mental and emotional health is going to be at rock bottom if I continue like this, and I firmly believe that my health and happiness is more important than any amount of money.

Though I still don’t think leaving my home town was the wrong move, I think the place I moved was the wrong place. I come from a big country town/city, and it seems all the things I grew to hate about it in the year or so before I moved, are now the things that I once again long for. Go figure. The problem is, to return to that town would be inevitably taking a step back, and that’s not the direction I want to go. I want to keep moving forward. And so last night, I did a thing. After day long consideration, I applied for a job in another state. It would be a huge move so soon after my first big move, but I figure what the hell? I’m not going to stress about it, I’m just going to wait and see what happens. If I hear back, then I can take it as a sign that it was a good decision. If I don’t hear back, it just means that it wasn’t the right opportunity, or the right time. I haven’t had much luck making my own decisions recently, so I’m going to leave it in the hands of fate. As my best friend often tells me; the universe provides.

Whatever happens now, all I know is that this isn’t what I want, and it isn’t where I am meant to be. And I’m tired of being unhappy with the live I lead. I want to experience things, and I want adventure, and I want to live. No more of this stagnant, boring existence. I told myself things were going to change, and this time I’m not going to let myself be held back, by myself, or anyone/anything else. This is my time.

On Loneliness, Change, and the Possibility of Relationships

Do you guys remember my one hour friend? He was a laptop technician who came to repair my laptop late last year, and he had something of an impact on me. Anyway, as I was walking back from the bank this morning, I was pondering my single life, and the notion of dating someone for the first time in over four years. To be honest with you, I’ve been a bit hesitant to admit that for the first time since my ex and I broke up way back in 2012 (I just did the math, and it’s been longer than I thought…!), I’m considering putting myself out there and trying to meet people. Now, as you may have gathered from yesterday’s post, I want to meet people in general. But in this case, I am looking to meet a person. Like…a person to be my person. Y’know?

So, back to the laptop guy. When he was fixing my laptop, we had a pretty great conversation. Over the course of the conversation, we go onto the subject of kids, and how I said I didn’t want any, and how people always tell me I will change my mind. And he said something to me that kind of just…resonated with me. I can’t remember his exact words, but he essentially said that it’s ok to change your mind. There was no judgement about it, and he wasn’t telling me that I would change my mind on the kid issue, just that it was ok if I ever did. It was as simple as that, and yet it kind of stuck around in the back of my mind. And this morning while I was doing my wandering and pondering, it popped back into my conscious mind again.

See, for so long I have been staunchly against the idea of being with someone. It’s never really worked out too well for me in the past, and I really do enjoy being on my own. And despite concerns from my dad, my buddy from back home, and a couple of other people I’ve discussed my serial singleness with, I insisted that I was better off that way.

Image result for better alone gregory house
I am a real life Gregory House. Without the medical degree…or the penis.

But in recent months, I’ve been feeling a bit lonesome on my ownsome. I think a lot of that has to do with moving away from everything I’ve ever known and all that stuff I’ve already talked about before. The thing is, because I’ve been so vocal about being happy on my own for such a long time, I felt too ashamed to admit that things have changed. That now maybe I would like to meet someone. And that’s why those words about change popped back into my mind.

All I’m saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people, but most of all to yourself. – Laura (High Fidelity)

See, it’s something I’m beginning to realise. I mean, really pay attention to. It’s ok to change, and more than that, it’s expected. So just because I’ve been single for the last four and a bit years, doesn’t mean I have to spend the rest of my life that way. And it’s ok for me to want and need something that up until now, I haven’t wanted or needed. I mean, can you imagine a world where nothing ever changed? Can you imagine how dull that would be? Change is normal and good and I have to allow it to happen. Otherwise I may very well get to old age and realise that I have allowed myself to become old and bitter and completely devoid of any positive emotion. Huh…I guess my dad was right all along.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do from here. For now, I think it’s enough to just admit that I’m going to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. It’s like I said in a previous post; I’m going to stop holding myself back. And this is one of those things I am going to work on. Rad, single girls, where y’all at?

P.S. For real though, I am seriously never having children.

Choosing Happiness

It’s here again. With only four days left of this year, I don’t think I’m alone in saying that 2016 can fuck right off, and that I’ll be glad to see the end of it. I’ve had kind of a crap year. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. See, it gets to this point in the year, every year, and I – like many others, I’m sure – can’t help but reflect on the past twelve months. And every year, without fail, I find myself focusing on the shitty times, and subsequently writing the year off as a bad one. In the case of 2016, it’s not really the year that has been bad for me personally. Just the last few months have been more difficult than most.

Now, I could tell you about all the bands I saw this year, and talk about the move to the city and my sadness over the loss of an ever growing list of celebrity idols and any number of other things. But that’t not what this post is really about. Yes, it’s about the year just gone, but not about the way I’ve experienced it. I’m certain nobody really cares all that much what I’ve spent the last twelve months doing. But just bear with me for a couple of minutes. I may ramble as I try to collect my thoughts coherently, but I’ve gotta get this out, so be patient with me, and forgive me my scattered mind.

People have a tendency to get to this stage in the year and start with the “New Year, new me”stuff. And if that’s what works for you, all power to you, my friend. But I’ve said it before, and I’m going to say it again; New Year is just another tomorrow, just another today. So why is it that we wait until January 1st to start making changes? I think it’s because we don’t actively realise that change happens all the time, and we believe that we are only allowed to change when the last digit in the calendar year changes.

“You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don’t even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don’t even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant.” – George Munroe (Life as a House)

I’ve been doing a bit of self reflection of late. Life events and an increasingly negative headspace have me contemplating a whole lot of things that I was ignoring, either because it was too hard, or because I was too set in my ways. And I’ve come to a simple, yet profound conclusion. I deserve to be happy.

I am by no means the first person to come to this realisation. It’s not a new idea, the notion of happiness. Products will claim to be able to sell you that very thing every time you walk past a store front. I’m not talking about the idea of materialistic happiness. I am talking simply about allowing myself to live my life in a way that is fulfilling, and about trying not to see everything through rage coloured glasses. See, I think for a long time I’ve been holding myself back. I’ve been so set in the notion that the outside world is too unappealing, that I’ve somehow managed to lock myself away, at least emotionally. Easier to just avoid everything and confine myself to a state of slowly simmering hate and apathy. But lately I can’t help but wonder what I might be missing out on as a result.

I’m not saying I’m suddenly going to hop aboard the people-loving train. Simply saying I want to experience more of the things life has to offer doesn’t mean that I’m surgically removing my personality. I’m still an introvert, and I still don’t know how to express my feelings in a nice way, and I still think people are shit. What I’m saying is that I’m going to stop telling myself that I can’t. Because, whatever it is that I convince myself I can’t do, I totally can. I can let people in. I can break down the walls. I can run a business, and write a novel, and travel the globe, and talk to girls, and get a dog. The only person stopping me from experiencing life, is me. Which I guess makes me kind of a jerk. Fuck you, Me.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. World, I’m coming for you, and not in four days. I am coming for you right now, so you better be ready, because we have a lot of adventures ahead.

 

Being an Adult; Big Change Edition

So, I think there’s a chance I might actually be becoming a proper adult. I know, I’m just as scared and surprised as you are. It’s just that recently, I’ve made a few changes that seem like very grown up decisions to the perpetual child in me. And perhaps it’s not an altogether bad thing.

The first change I made was taking out the piercing in my tongue. I’ve had my tongue pierced since I was about nineteen, and at the time I thought I was so cool…despite the fact that it took me two weeks to rid myself of the tongue swollen lisp; that was very much the opposite of cool. Anyway, I’d had that piercing in for the better part of five years and finally decided that the damage it could do to my teeth wasn’t worth the supposed ‘cool’ factor. It felt like a very adult choice, and I feel better for it. So does the dentist.

The second thing is that I’ve been branching out with my somewhat meagre cooking abilities. With my housemate in India for three weeks, I have carte blanche to make whatever I want, at whatever time I choose. Now admittedly, last night I did eat four hash browns for dinner because I’m a little broke after impulsively purchasing an electric guitar (ok, so maybe not a completely responsible adult just yet), but that doesn’t change the fact that some of my recent creations have been inspired. Zucchini slice, chicken soup, chilli…I’m no masterchef, but I’m certainly improving.

And the last and most significant change is the fact that I have once again started to apply for jobs. Now, Christmas is either the best or the absolute worst time to be hunting for alternative employment. But it is utterly essential for my mental health, and outlook on life. As I mentioned in my last post, they moved me into a new shop, and despite the fact that I tried to be positive about it, I was in tears three times in three days. That’s a pretty crap track record, and it has made me realise that no amount of money is worth my complete and endless misery. And anyway, the only reason I’m on such good money is because I’m working 51 hours a week, including all weekend. You’ve all heard me complain about it before, so I won’t go into it again, except to say that I need to make a change before I have a mental and emotional breakdown. And trust me, the way things have been going lately, I am well on my way.

So there you have it. Little old ‘adulthood is for losers’ Amy is finally on her way to becoming one. Gods help us all.

Bad Decisions, and Not-So-Green Grass

Do you ever have a run of seriously bad decision making? I’ve been having one of those for…well, pretty much this whole year. I’ve been in this cycle of feeling stuck, and making changes to try to better my situation, only to have it completely backfire and turn out worse than before. That whole thing about the grass not being greener on the other side has definitely hit home with me lately.

I have stuck around where I should have walked, and walked away from things I should have stuck with. I have completely uprooted my life for the possibility of something better, and had it be a huge disappointment. I’m no happier now than I was at the start of the year, and I think that’s what is really getting to me recently. I just turned 24 and I think I am the unhappiest I have ever been, and it is all the result of decisions I’ve made that I thought were going to improve my situation. Oh, I had grand plans. But one by one, they have failed and both my life, and the dreams I had have withered away and turned to dust. How’s that for some emo teenage regression?

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m having this giant existential crisis and trying to battle the ever increasing numbness that has damn near engulfed me entirely. The energy is drained out of me and what life I had has been swallowed up by the daily grind. I feel like my future isn’t even in my hands. When I’ve tried to be strong and take control of it, somehow it always fails spectacularly, and I find myself right back at the start again. It’s like driving along an endless highway, with no destination, no rest in sight, and nothing to look at but the bleak expanses of my own mundane existence.

And see the thing is, they keep telling you that if you don’t like something about your life, then you should change it. Well, I did change it, but that doesn’t seem to be working too well for me. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong?

The Mighty Pen

I’ve been writing a lot these past two weeks. Not working on my future famous novel, because my laptop is still as dead as a doornail, but instead I’ve been kicking it old school, and writing down a stream of consciousness by hand in a notebook. I’ve written before about how keeping a diary has kept me sane. This is kind of like that.

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The new shop can get pretty quiet in the mornings, and I figured bringing a book to read would be a bit conspicuous. So instead, I purchased a cheap notebook. If I’m writing, to passers by it would just look like I’m working. It also has the bonus of, y’know…being writing. Writing, in any form, is the thing getting me by at the moment. It’s been difficult to find time to sew, and even though I started trying to learn the violin the other day, I still need to work out how to tune it before I can practice properly. Writing in this notebook is easy because I can do it at work.

I’ve been going through a pretty confusing and difficult adjustment, the details of which I won’t bore you with…again. But suffice to say, I’m in a pretty low state for a lot of reasons. So I’ve been writing down the things in my head, to get them down on paper and clear out the murky mess that is my headspace. It’s helped more than I could have hoped. I’ve been able to work through some issues objectively and rationally. I’ve been able to make sense of things that have been messing with my head. I’ve been able to deal with this giant whirlwind of emotions that has been threatening to engulf me for months, if I’m being honest.

In addition to the therapeutic side of this exercise, it’s also a good way to keep creative. I write about people I meet and things I see. I’ve been drafting patterns ideas for projects I want to make. I’ve even begun developing some characters for a new story I have forming in my brain bits. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and in my case that rings true. Which is lucky, really, because I was never coordinated enough to play with swords anyway.