On Loneliness, Change, and the Possibility of Relationships

Do you guys remember my one hour friend? He was a laptop technician who came to repair my laptop late last year, and he had something of an impact on me. Anyway, as I was walking back from the bank this morning, I was pondering my single life, and the notion of dating someone for the first time in over four years. To be honest with you, I’ve been a bit hesitant to admit that for the first time since my ex and I broke up way back in 2012 (I just did the math, and it’s been longer than I thought…!), I’m considering putting myself out there and trying to meet people. Now, as you may have gathered from yesterday’s post, I want to meet people in general. But in this case, I am looking to meet a person. Like…a person to be my person. Y’know?

So, back to the laptop guy. When he was fixing my laptop, we had a pretty great conversation. Over the course of the conversation, we go onto the subject of kids, and how I said I didn’t want any, and how people always tell me I will change my mind. And he said something to me that kind of just…resonated with me. I can’t remember his exact words, but he essentially said that it’s ok to change your mind. There was no judgement about it, and he wasn’t telling me that I would change my mind on the kid issue, just that it was ok if I ever did. It was as simple as that, and yet it kind of stuck around in the back of my mind. And this morning while I was doing my wandering and pondering, it popped back into my conscious mind again.

See, for so long I have been staunchly against the idea of being with someone. It’s never really worked out too well for me in the past, and I really do enjoy being on my own. And despite concerns from my dad, my buddy from back home, and a couple of other people I’ve discussed my serial singleness with, I insisted that I was better off that way.

Image result for better alone gregory house
I am a real life Gregory House. Without the medical degree…or the penis.

But in recent months, I’ve been feeling a bit lonesome on my ownsome. I think a lot of that has to do with moving away from everything I’ve ever known and all that stuff I’ve already talked about before. The thing is, because I’ve been so vocal about being happy on my own for such a long time, I felt too ashamed to admit that things have changed. That now maybe I would like to meet someone. And that’s why those words about change popped back into my mind.

All I’m saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people, but most of all to yourself. – Laura (High Fidelity)

See, it’s something I’m beginning to realise. I mean, really pay attention to. It’s ok to change, and more than that, it’s expected. So just because I’ve been single for the last four and a bit years, doesn’t mean I have to spend the rest of my life that way. And it’s ok for me to want and need something that up until now, I haven’t wanted or needed. I mean, can you imagine a world where nothing ever changed? Can you imagine how dull that would be? Change is normal and good and I have to allow it to happen. Otherwise I may very well get to old age and realise that I have allowed myself to become old and bitter and completely devoid of any positive emotion. Huh…I guess my dad was right all along.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do from here. For now, I think it’s enough to just admit that I’m going to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. It’s like I said in a previous post; I’m going to stop holding myself back. And this is one of those things I am going to work on. Rad, single girls, where y’all at?

P.S. For real though, I am seriously never having children.

Living For Today (Don’t Mind the Cliche)

You know how when a new year starts, people go on these crazy resolution sprees, talking about all the things they really like the idea of but know they won’t follow through on? Well, I don’t do those. I think New Years resolutions are negative, rather than positive, because when you get to the end of the year and have done none of the things you promised yourself you would do, you feel disappointed and unfulfilled. And then you go and do it again for the following year, and the next, and the next, and so it goes.

I know myself. I know that saying I’m going to do twenty five thousand things in the coming year is going to be a lie. I’m lazy, and often unmotivated. I make plans and then let them go by without bothering to actually do the things I was planning to do. I have this tendency to plan too far in the future, and then regret it later and never do anything. It’s like when you say you’ll go to a party a week before it happens, and then the hour before, when you’re sitting on your couch in nothing but panties and a tee, you realise that you actually can’t be bothered moving. That’s pretty much the story of my entire life.

So instead of making ridiculous, unattainable goals, I kind of had an epiphany recently; take each day as it comes. It’s really that simple. I know I am by no means the first person to have ever come to this realisation, but I’m feeling pretty good about the fact that I came to it. You see, I have this tendency to worry about things too far in the future. It results in stress, lack of sleep, and one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. If I don’t do a billion things in a day, I feel like I’ve been unproductive. It’s really quite an unhealthy habit.

But I’ve come to learn that it doesn’t matter. It’s good to have goals, absolutely. I want to write books for a living. But it is also good to know that some things take time. So instead of telling myself at the start of every day that I’ll eat healthy things and go for a walk, instead of promising myself I’ll watch ten episodes of a new show when I’ll really end up watching Supernatural reruns, instead of being angry at myself for not having published thirty books already, I am going to just…chill. I’ll take a leaf out of my almost preternaturally relaxed brother’s book, and just go with the flow. So I ate shitty junk food for dinner, whatever. So I only only wrote 300 words of my work-in-progress instead of 3000, that’s ok. It’s still something, after all. And there is always tomorrow.

So here’s what I’m going to do. If I have the urge to play my guitar, I’ll play it. If I really feel like going for a long walk, I’ll go on one. And if I’m not in the mood for things, if I know that forcing myself to do them will be counter productive and make me cranky, I’m just not going to do them. Sure, the future is tomorrow. And when tomorrow comes, I’ll tackle it with gusto, or nonchalance, or whatever feels better at the time. But for now, it is today, and today is good.