Never my Type

I got asked out for dinner the other day.

A guy approached the shop, and made casual small talk. He asked about what I do, the hours my shop is open, commented that he liked my lip piercing. Nothing all that different from conversations I have every day. He walked away, after asking my name and giving his own.

Perhaps ten minutes later, he came back. He asked a few more questions, including what I do with my spare time. He suggested that, if I don’t do anything, perhaps he and I should hang out. I was saved from answering by a customer approaching the counter. The guy with all the questions once again walked away.

Another couple of minutes went by, and Question Guy returned once more. He finally said what I (finally) deduced he had been edging towards from the moment he first approached the shop; he asked if I would have dinner with him.

Now, first thing I should point out is that I am unused to being flirted with, and so didn’t really pick up on it until the second time he came to the counter. And second thing is that,in my perpetual social awkwardness, it didn’t occur to me until far too late to tell him that I’m not typically attracted to men. By the time I thought to mention it, it would have sounded to anyone’s ears very much like a bad excuse.

Suffice to say, I politely declined. He asked again, and I declined again, ever so slightly less politely. He was not rude, he was not creepy. In fact, he was certainly nice enough, but nice only goes so far when persistence becomes uncomfortable. He kept telling me I ought to give him a chance. I kept telling him no. Finally he conceded, and wrote his number down in case I changed my mind. (Spoiler; I didn’t) It was an awkward five minutes, and I was happy to see him walk away.

I called my best friend immediately after because I had to tell her all about it. She found the whole thing, and my social incompetence, highly amusing, and suggested that being asked out by a seemingly nice guy would be a dream for a straight girl. The problem being that his efforts were entirely wasted on a raging homo like me. I’ve had the odd spot of male attention in my years, but never once have I been approached by a pretty girl and asked out for coffee, or dinner, or something. Go figure.

In all fairness, it takes a bold person to approach a stranger and asked them out. But next time, if I’m gonna be flirted with, I wouldn’t mind if it was someone…y’know, more my type.

The Trouble With Going Out

I do not like going out. Despite this, somehow the other night, I found myself in a crowded pub. But not just any pub. I found myself in a pub that is particularly notorious for being a sleazy dive. And within the first ten minutes, I was forcefully reminded why I dislike going out. These are the reasons.

1. I get hit on by creepy old men. Why is it that people automatically assume that if you’re out on the town, you’re looking for a hookup? I honestly wouldn’t care if I was dealing with Brad Pitt, meeting someone in a pub or club doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I mean seriously, can’t a person just go out to enjoy some live music and hang with some friends? Apparently not, because each of the few times I’ve been out, including the other night, I’ve been harassed by creepy older men who refuse to take no for an answer. And when I get nasty because they don’t accept polite refusal, they have a go at me as if my disinterest and distaste wasn’t obvious right from the get go. I just prefer to stay home, where I don’t have to worry about being stared at or flirted with and don’t have to utter the phrase ‘Sod off, I’m not interested.’


2. I just don’t like crowds. Large groups of people make me uncomfortable, and when combined with copious amounts of alcohol, I get downright jumpy. I don’t trust drunk people on their own, much less in a crowd. And especially at this particular pub, which is renowned for attracting the really rowdy drunken idiots. My frazzled nerves certainly didn’t thank me after the other night, that’s for sure!

3. The music almost always sucks. Either, as with the other night, you have live bands that play crap songs really badly, old dudes in too tight pants trying to recapture their lost youth, or young, smarmy jerks who think they’re better than everyone else just because they can bang away at an instrument. I love music. I hate good music being butchered by bad musicians.

4. It’s not an environment that is conducive to comfort. You have to shout to be heard, get knocked about by gyrating bodies, get all sweaty and smelly and your feet end up aching so badly that you want to cut them off, regardless of the shoes you’re wearing. Why people willingly put themselves through all that completely baffles me.

Grumpy Cat knows. Grumpy Cat always knows.

5. The exorbitant price of a drink. I don’t drink a lot but when I do, I do my best to get out of it as cheaply as I can. So I begrudge paying ten dollars for a premix. The knowledge that I could save myself a fucktonne of cash (among other things) by stopping off at a bottle shop and taking a few drinks to a friend’s place makes going out infinitely less appealing.

6. Finally, the girls. For some reason, whenever I go out, there is at least one girl who seemingly takes an instant and completely unnecessary dislike to me. I don’t hit on guys, so I know it’s not that they’re jealous of me talking to their boyfriends. I don’t talk to strangers (less about safety and more about I can’t be bothered/don’t care) so I know I haven’t said anything to offend them personally. And yet it happens every time, without fail. I can’t be bothered with that nonsense.

There are other reasons but I don’t want to bore you. So I will conclude by saying that going out is most definitely not, under any circumstances, my idea of a good time. Give me a cup of tea and a good book at home any night of the week. What can I say, I’m a simple creature. And also kind of an old lady.

Milo works just as well as tea. Just sayin'.

The Art of Flirting

I went out for tea with a friend of mine last night. We were sitting there after finishing our meal, waiting, at first patiently, and then less so patiently for the waitress to come and clear our plates so we could order more drinks. (‘Full table service provided’ doesn’t mean much to these people, evidently.) When the somewhat snooty waitress finally deigned to do her job and come and ask us if everything was ok, we decided to order two hot chocolates. As she was taking our order, another waitress came up and stood beside her while she wrote our order down. Then she told us, completely unexpectedly, that our drinks would be free, courtesy of two young chaps who had been sitting outside and thought we were cute.

Never in my life has anyone bought me a drink and I confess, I thought the gesture was impossibly sweet. But it presented us with a problem; how to avoid awkwardness. My friend is in a long term relationship and me? Well, guys aren’t really my thing. Neither one of the lads came up to speak to us personally and I only caught the barest glimpse of them as they walked up to the counter a little later. We told the waitress to pass on our gratitude but when they went up to the counter, we did the cowardly thing and left while they were distracted. Bit of a pussy move, huh? I can practically see you shaking your collective heads as you read this.

The thing is, neither one of us really know the proper etiquette if you will, that is involved in being on the receiving end of a shouted drink. Do you go and talk to the buyer? Do you give them a nod of acknowledgment from across the room? Do you go home and sleep with them? Ok, honestly now I’m just confusing movies with reality again but the sad truth is that I honestly don’t know how to react to flirting. From a personal standpoint, I’m not very good at it. And I’ve never really been flirted with so much as had guys aggressively flirting at me.

I’m not the greatest in social situations, especially those involving horny guys, or even to a lesser degree, guys who just find me attractive. It’s not that I don’t think I’m a bit of alright, it’s just that I’m never interested and would rather avoid that awkwardness altogether. I’ve had a number of experiences with guys who just couldn’t take no for an answer and my polite indifference soon turned to vehement and defensive anger. I’m not trying to be rude but I just don’t want to have a drink with you, or see a movie with you, or catch up some time. It’s nothing personal.

I don’t flirt because flirting leads to trouble if only one party is interested and I’m legitimately never interested. I don’t see the point in leading a person on if you have no interest, all for the sake of being polite or because you’re bored. The problem is that being that I’m no good at it, I don’t flirt with people I find attractive to start a conversation either. Social awkwardness and all that. So really, the moral of this story is that I am destined to be single forever because I have not and can not master the art of flirting. Bring on the cats.

P.S. I actually don’t like cats. Shit. Better think of a Plan B.