Bad Decisions, and Not-So-Green Grass

Do you ever have a run of seriously bad decision making? I’ve been having one of those for…well, pretty much this whole year. I’ve been in this cycle of feeling stuck, and making changes to try to better my situation, only to have it completely backfire and turn out worse than before. That whole thing about the grass not being greener on the other side has definitely hit home with me lately.

I have stuck around where I should have walked, and walked away from things I should have stuck with. I have completely uprooted my life for the possibility of something better, and had it be a huge disappointment. I’m no happier now than I was at the start of the year, and I think that’s what is really getting to me recently. I just turned 24 and I think I am the unhappiest I have ever been, and it is all the result of decisions I’ve made that I thought were going to improve my situation. Oh, I had grand plans. But one by one, they have failed and both my life, and the dreams I had have withered away and turned to dust. How’s that for some emo teenage regression?

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m having this giant existential crisis and trying to battle the ever increasing numbness that has damn near engulfed me entirely. The energy is drained out of me and what life I had has been swallowed up by the daily grind. I feel like my future isn’t even in my hands. When I’ve tried to be strong and take control of it, somehow it always fails spectacularly, and I find myself right back at the start again. It’s like driving along an endless highway, with no destination, no rest in sight, and nothing to look at but the bleak expanses of my own mundane existence.

And see the thing is, they keep telling you that if you don’t like something about your life, then you should change it. Well, I did change it, but that doesn’t seem to be working too well for me. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong?

On Thinking About the Future, and Appreciating the Present

I don’t think about the future much anymore. I used to. I used to look forward to my imaginary future, the one I wanted. But I’ve sort of realised that the future we want for ourselves is not necessarily the future we get. And there’s nothing wrong with having goals, and plans. But they have to be realistic. Within reason, and capability. If we spend our lives waiting for the future, we’re going to completely miss the present.

The present is not always a good place to be. Sometimes we’re sick, or we have a bad day, or we just don’t want to move from bed, and all we want is for it to be over, so we can move past whatever is holding us down, or holding us back. But I guess you have to take the bad days with the good, and just be thankful that you have days, regardless.

There are things I want, and I know it’s going to take work to get them. But I’m not stressing about it. I’ve talked about this before, I know. But it’s the first time I can remember being ok with things to such a finite degree. I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I was so used to that I didn’t even notice it was dragging me down until it was gone. I went from sinking slowly but surely to the bottom of a metaphorical pit of nothingness, to rising well up and out of it. It’s a good place to be, up here. I think I might stay a while.