Oh, Honey…

I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know when it started. All I know, is that I have become the kind of person who calls people honey unironically. I’m not quite sure when my language changed. When I progressed from bro and dude and oi, dickhead! to words like doll and sweetheart and most recently, perhaps one of my least favourite condiments; the infamous honey.

I wonder if this is an age thing. Did turning 28 turn me into someone who uses actual terms of endearment when referring to people I like? Or is it something else, a change in my molecular makeup perhaps? Whatever the reason for this change, I have to admit that it’s far from being the only, or the most significant change in my life of late!

The thing is, I actually seem to be experiencing a kind of cosmic shift. In one week from today, I will no longer be employed with the company I have spent 6 years working for. I have been saying I’m going to walk out for years now, and since being made redundant, have been literally counting down the days until my ultimate exit. I’m planning a celebration, such is my excitement at being free from this particular cage. To say I’m looking forward to my unemployment is an understatement.

Resulting from this change comes another, in the form of taking on more clients with my second job. I started working for a friend of mine late last year as a social media manager, and between the two jobs I have to admit that I haven’t had the time or energy to dedicate to both jobs equally. It has also meant that I have very little of my own time, between working six days a week and spending much of my spare time doing other life things. What can I say, I’m a busy gal! But with one job going by the wayside, I am hoping I’ll be able to better and more effectively manage my time. And, y’know, actually HAVE time to manage.

Perhaps the change in my language is the result of actually embracing the softer side of myself. After coaching sessions with a friend of mine (which I wrote about a few posts back) I discovered that I had been presenting myself outwardly as this dark, tough, loveless individual. And, in an attempt to keep myself at a distance from anything that might make me vulnerable, I kept myself detached from all things soft and ‘mushy’. But since taking that first step on my journey to self discovery, and opening myself up to vulnerability and authenticity, things in my life began to change, and one of those things, it would appear, is how I speak and the language I use.

Anyway, I’m OK with it. As a lover of words, I have no objection to expanding my vocabulary. And this is the person I am now, affectionate names and all. But nevertheless, there will always be a place for the bros and the dudes and the dickheads. I may have grown as a person, but I my vulnerability does not negate my vulgarity.

Embracing my Authentic Self

Super Moon Night - Free photo on Pixabay

So. If you are a follower of my blog, you will have read that I have been making some changes in my life. I’ve been vague about it, partly because y’all are probably not all that invested in the random goings on of a person you sometimes see write stuff on the internet. And also partly because it has taken me this long to just finally stop hiding behind past iterations of myself, and fully be the person I am.

I have come to the realisation, through months of coaching (more on that in a minute), self development and taking chances, that I am 28 and far too old to be playing pretend anymore, at least where my ‘self’ is concerned. It’s time I started showing up as exactly who I am. So, I would like to (re)introduce you to Amy. Not new and improved, but simply more honest and authentic.

A couple of months ago, I began coaching with a friend of mine, who is a qualified coach, with a focus on spirituality and self development for millennials. To quote her, she is “Ushering in the Spiritual Rebellion where everybody gets a seat at the table” and guys, as if that doesn’t set your soul on fire just reading it. Anyway, I have a final session to go before I reach the end of my coaching and holy shit, it’s been a wild ride from start to (almost) finish. I have experienced such a massive shift, it’s like a heavy veil has been lifted and suddenly I can see things clearly. To be clear, we’re not talking a religious experience – one thing that hasn’t changed is my complete disinterest in any kind of organised religion. No, this is a spiritual awakening, and I can practically hear the Universe saying “it’s about fucking time”.

I learned years ago that there is nothing to be gained from playing a role, to make someone else more comfortable. But it took me this long to realise that by not accepting all the parts of myself – good, bad or otherwise – that I was doing myself a disservice. See, I have been hiding the softer parts of myself for a long time, playing into a version of me that has been safe, and distant, and perhaps not 100 percent authentic. This is for many reasons. I’ve spent so long being one version of myself, that I had almost begun to believe that that’s all that I was. I have kept myself at a distance because it’s easier than being involved with all the messy spectrum of human emotion and personal connection. And yes, I guess there was a big part of me that was afraid that if I came out of the spiritual closet, that I would be judged. So for a long time, I kept myself limited to being a certain way. But now I am finally here to say that whilst those aspects of my personality are still me, I am so much more than just the parts I’ve let people see.

So, yes. I mostly hate people, and I don’t like Christmas, and I would rather stick needles in my eyeballs than have children. I listen to heavy music, I wear all black, I swear like a trooper, and I think that love is an adulated concept and I will probably live my life on my own. Which, for the record, suits me down to the ground. But these are the things that you already know about me. What you might not know – and what I am trying to fully embrace about myself, and share – is that I enjoy romantic movies, and yes, sometimes they even make me cry. I have a somewhat large obsession with glitter. I believe in magic, and I collect crystals, and I sometimes like to go outside and stand barefoot in the grass and just bask in the beauty of the moon. I love to be naked, and I also love pretty dresses – even when they’re not black. My music tastes are generally pretty obscure, but I actually like many popular and more mainstream musicians (Dua Lipa anyone?). I sometimes get incredibly lonely, and sometimes I get incredibly sad, and I’m still learning how to talk about that instead of keeping it all to myself.

I wish you could feel how I was feeling. I wish I knew how to tell you about the positive energy I have begun to carry with me, through the simple act of embracing change and accepting opportunity. I simply don’t have the words to tell you what this is, and how it has awakened in me something I hadn’t even realised was there, buzzing beneath the surface of my skin.

I am learning, I am growing, I am blooming and I am here, in my flawed, vulnerable, beautiful authenticity.