Shift

I feel strange. I’m not sure if it’s the change in the weather, or my pending move, or something that will simply reveal itself in time. But I woke this morning with a curious feeling that I cannot quite put a name to. I feel as if something is coming; a shift of some kind. As yet, I’m not sure whether this is a good thing, or bad. I’ll just have to wait and see how everything progresses.

Frankly, there is something about this time of year that makes me reflective. And I don’t just mean because the year is waning, and drawing ever closer to it’s end. Time seems to be slipping away from me faster than ever before, and the list of things I want to do grows ever bigger and seemingly more unattainable. I can’t help but feel like I’ve wasted the opportunities this year has given me, and yet on the other hand it feels as though the Universe is conspiring to drive me constantly back to the same places, both literally and figuratively. If there’s a reason for this, I’ve yet to discover what it is, but I no longer have the energy to fight it. Perhaps this has been my problem all along. Fighting against the tide only works for so long, before you must resign yourself to the fact that perhaps it is better to just let the current take you wherever it intends you to go.

I have to believe that whatever this change is that I can sense coming, is going to be for a good reason, even if that reason is not immediately apparent to me. I have to remember that there are some things I have no control over, and try to just go with the flow, whatever comes.

I can only hope that this shift brings with it something positive. I’ve had quite enough negative for this year, thank you very much.

Advertisements

What to do When You Don’t Win the Lottery

I didn’t win the lottery today. I won back fourteen dollars of the twenty two it cost me to buy the ticket, but the fifteen million, as I understand it, was won by someone in Queensland. Lucky bastard.

I never actually buy lottery tickets and expect to win, and I don’t buy them regularly. Just every so often, when I’m feeling particularly unlucky, I purchase one. See, even though I never expect to win, I figure if my luck is so bad to warrant buying a ticket, then maybe the universe will take pity on me, and grant me some millions. Amy logic, and logic that has never won me more than twenty five dollars at a time, but I stick with it because…well, we all have to hope forĀ somethingĀ better, right?

Take my trip to Tasmania (is just over a month now guys, I’m so excited!). I am taking the trip because I need a break from pretty much everything. But I am also going for two other reasons; to write, and to look for employment opportunities. Because, since I didn’t win the lottery today (or any other day), I figure it is up to me to try and better my own situation. Despite my periods of doubt and unhappiness, I am taking a proactive approach to keeping my head above water. The issue with trying to find work in Tassie is, unfortunately, the lack of job opportunities. There are more jobs in this one city than the entirety of Tasmania. But nevertheless, I am going to scout it out and see if maybe something comes up. It surely can’t hurt!

See, I kind of came to this realisation a few weeks back, after my first job application in Tasmania, and the subsequent conversation I had with my best friend. He said that the job in question (which I’m certain I didn’t get, since I haven’t heard anything back) could end up being really lonely. And I said to him, “so maybe I only do it for a year. The beauty of decision making is that it’s so rarely final.” And it has kind of become my mantra lately. I know that where I am right now, is not the place I have to stay, either mentally or geographically. At the end of the day, the decision with what to do with my life is mine, and mine alone. And I have to stop letting everything and everyone else try to make that decision for me. So I make a choice, potentially make a move. And if it doesn’t work out, (like the last one), then I move on and find something new. I always talk about wanting to spend my life on adventures, maybe now is the time to start.

Finding the Good in Every Day

Image result for chocolate

Ok, so we all know I’m not exactly the most positive person in the world. It’s not that I’m negative on purpose, it’s just my brain likes to automatically assume the worst. It’s a bad habit that, at 24, I think I need to break. Or at the very least, I need to start working on breaking. You know what they say, transformations don’t happen overnight.

So I am going to try and find at least one good thing in every day. Some days that is going to be easy, some days I’m sure I’ll struggle. But the point is to at least find something, even if that one good thing is as simple as getting out of bed. Take yesterday. I could have focused on a certain thing that made me absolutely livid. And believe me, the thing in question had me sending angry, ranty snapchats to a couple of people so I could vent. But if I allow that one thing to ruin my day, I would have to completely disregard the larger number of good things that happened yesterday. Good things like the fact that I got to have dinner with my friend Sarah. Or the fact that work went reasonably quickly. Or the fact that Tara Moss, a woman who I’ve come to greatly admire – and be inspired by – started following me on Instagram. I admit, that last one kind of made my whole week.

I figure if I am able to find something good in every day, then I can focus on that one (or more) good thing instead of getting caught up in the negative. And that one good thing will hopefully make it easier to be ok on those days when I don’t feel ok. So here’s to the good things. May they be plenty, and constant.

By the way, today’s good things are chocolate and Amorphis. Or music in general, really. I get to play my own music at work because I’m the only one in the shop, and it genuinely makes me happy to get to chill out and listen to some awesome tunes. And chocolate…well, that doesn’t really require an explanation!

Tiny Positivity in an Otherwise Miserable Fortnight

My life is in the midst of falling spectacularly to pieces. I haven’t even been living in the city for a month, and already I’m missing home. And you know things are bad when I actually miss the town that had me feeling so stunted and stuck. I can’t work out if it’s just the adjustment period, or the bad headspace, or if it’s the combination of all the little things that have built up and turned into something so much bigger. Perhaps all of these things together attribute to this mess of mine.

It’s been a bad couple of weeks. I’ve been waking up every day to a wretched combination of existential dread, and depression, and it makes getting out of bed exponentially harder. I can’t shake it, so instead I have to go to work and feign normality and if not outright happiness, then at least some modicum of mild contentment. This week they finally got me into my new shop, which should have been awesome. But after a few days of drama, unnecessarily irate customers, the worst set up in the history of shop openings, and technical difficulties that make my job incredibly complicated and inconvenient, I can’t say it’s been a super thrilling ride thus far. The plus side is that the shop is new, I’m working on my own, and I can set it up how I like. The downside is that a franchisee if buying it in November, which means all my hard work is for the benefit of someone else. And to make matters worse, I just got out of the creepy, poorly organised shop that messes with my head and had me in tears last week, only to be told that when the franchisee takes over, they’ll put me back there six days a week. My increasingly fragile mental state might not be able to take it.

And then there’s those technical difficulties I mentioned. In addition to the troubles at work, a couple of weeks ago my laptop decided to stop cooperating. The dreaded black screen of death reared it’s ugly head, and I’m left with a laptop full of writing that I can’t access. It’s frustrating, especially for a creative person like me, who relies on being able to create to keep herself sane. My best friend/hero/emotional saviour is sending me a laptop to keep me going, so I have that to look forward to. I just have to work out a way to extract my hard drive from my poor defeated Atticus so that I can salvage my work. And if that wasn’t enough, yesterday my phone died with the same problem. With no explanation, it simply refused to turn on past a blank screen. So there goes all my photos, recordings, messages and phone numbers. I spent a larger portion of yesterday trying to set up a new phone but the inconvenience was certainly enough to make me throw my hands up in frustration.

In amongst all of this is trying to navigate the city (I’ve been lost a lot), working out how to happily live with someone else, trying to organise my one day off into some small measure of productivity and the underlying anxiety about uprooting my entire life for the possibility of something better that had, thus far, been very far from my expectation.

But despite all this, there is some light ahead. I woke up today and for the first time in two weeks, I didn’t feel like burying my head under the covers and hiding forever. The sun is out and there’s a real feel of spring in the air today. A hint of positivity peeked out from where it had been hiding and I am ready to tackle this day, and anything that comes with it. I’m hoping that this is the start of an upward curve. No pressure, Little Positivity. You just get me through today and I’ll be content.

On Thinking About the Future, and Appreciating the Present

I don’t think about the future much anymore. I used to. I used to look forward to my imaginary future, the one I wanted. But I’ve sort of realised that the future we want for ourselves is not necessarily the future we get. And there’s nothing wrong with having goals, and plans. But they have to be realistic. Within reason, and capability. If we spend our lives waiting for the future, we’re going to completely miss the present.

The present is not always a good place to be. Sometimes we’re sick, or we have a bad day, or we just don’t want to move from bed, and all we want is for it to be over, so we can move past whatever is holding us down, or holding us back. But I guess you have to take the bad days with the good, and just be thankful that you have days, regardless.

There are things I want, and I know it’s going to take work to get them. But I’m not stressing about it. I’ve talked about this before, I know. But it’s the first time I can remember being ok with things to such a finite degree. I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I was so used to that I didn’t even notice it was dragging me down until it was gone. I went from sinking slowly but surely to the bottom of a metaphorical pit of nothingness, to rising well up and out of it. It’s a good place to be, up here. I think I might stay a while.

Positive Thinking, Who’d Have Thought?

I’m not what you would consider a positive person. I often don’t look on the bright side of things, and angry is pretty much my default setting. However yesterday, I discovered the power of positive thinking.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m planning to move out of home. For the last two weeks, I have been applying for houses. About ten or eleven in total. The first one I looked at was a mess. Cupboard door hanging off, dingy kitchen, unkempt and untidy. I didn’t bother with an application. The second house I looked at was…perfect. As soon as I saw it on the website, I fell in love.

When I went to inspect the house, I fell more in love. It’s teeny tiny, and utterly adorable. Two bedrooms, a little ensuite, an open plan kitchen/lounge area and no grass to mow; it’s perfect for little old me. I submitted an application the next day, and eagerly awaited a phone call.

The thing is, from the moment I set foot inside the house, I knew it was meant to be mine. Something about it felt right to me, and I spent the next week waiting for the call that I knew was going to come. How could it not? The house felt right to me and I felt positive that I was going to get it. The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced. Actually, I got a little obsessed, and drove past it at every opportunity.

I told people the house was going to be mine. I told myself the house was going to be mine. I had a freakin’ dream that it was going to be mine. The more I put it out there, the more it felt true. And, after a week of waiting half anxiously and half confidently, yesterday I got a phone call, and the cheerful real estate agent on the other end of the line was genuinely happy to tell me that I had (of course) gotten the house. Yay! So in the last month I made the decision to move, applied for houses and got approved. All that is left to do now is wait for the current tenant to move, and then I’ll get to live in the literal house of my dreams!

When it comes to ‘new age’ beliefs, there’s a lot of crap floating around, but there are a few I hold in high stead. Regularly cleanse negative energies from your home and person. A healthy body helps maintain a healthy mind. And, after this week, my new favourite is trust the power of positive thinking. As my best friend often tells me, the universe always provides.

image
Aw, just look at those cheerful little lightbulbs.

Why Waiting is Wicked (and not in the Iron Man kind of way)

Often lately, my life has felt like one big endless wait. Waiting for a call about a better job. Waiting for the end of the day at my current job. Waiting for something better. It seems I’m always waiting for something and I have a niggling feeling that I can’t ignore, a little malicious voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m going to be waiting forever. But the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way, really. That’s just my own negativity trying to bring me down. So at what point do I stop waiting and start acting?

Sometimes I think I’m hoping someone else will come and save me from my existence but I know I can’t rely on others for that, or really much of anything if I were being honest. I am in charge of myself and my fate and I can’t allow myself to keep wanting, however secretly, that some big shiny hero will change my life for me. For one, those kind of heroes only exist in fiction and two, I can’t put something that personal and important in the well intentioned but completely wrong hands of someone else.

image

But seriously, as awesome as Iron Man is, even he wouldn’t be able to make those changes for me. What other people want for me and what I want for me could be vastly different. I could end up in a shiny hero-y version of hell for all I know.

Waiting is toxic and insidious. It drains you and ages you. And then you blink and you’re fifty and realise that you have wasted your life just waiting. I don’t want to be fifty and still be unhappy with the way my life is and where it’s headed. Hell, I don’t even want to turn twenty two and still be that person. I don’t want to wake up one day and find that, while I’ve been waiting around hoping for something else, everyone I know is living the lives they always wanted. I don’t want to die and be just another person getting through life hoping for the end of the day. I want things for me, better things. I want to love my life not just suffer through it. Don’t get me wrong, there are some pretty great parts about my life but there’s also a whole big fat lot of parts that kinda suck. And I’ve realised that the only person who can change that is me.

People spend so much of their lives waiting for things. Sometimes it’s a necessary evil and other times it’s bred from laziness. I think about how much time I’ve personally spent waiting and I want to slap past me in the face. To present and future me, I just have one thing to say; Waiting will get you nowhere, girl. If you want solutions to your problems and changes to your dull circumstances, then you have to act. And what better time to start acting than today.