Here and Now

I am heading towards a reincarnation. A reinvention. A revamping. A re-something or other. Whatever you want to call it, I am aching for it. Again, I find myself in a state or same-same, and I am looking for a way out of my slump. Yes, there is the obvious looking for a new job and trying to find time for my passions in between. But this is something more than just wanting out of my current situation. I am craving a full overhaul. I want to throw out my entire wardrobe and start from scratch. A part of me wants to go one further and just throw out everything I own, if I’m being honest. I am overwhelmed with negativity at the moment, and – if you’ll forgive me an overused cliche – I need a blank canvas to work with.

I am seeking some kind of enlightenment, perhaps. Or answers to questions I can’t even put into words yet. I am trying, in my own strange way, to improve. It’s not easy. I’m fact, as someone often bogged down by the very chemicals in my brain as well as an unsatisfactory life situation, at times it feels like a completely impossible task. But in this moment, filled with a peculiar energy that I can’t begin to describe, I’m suddenly positive that I can. It doesn’t need to be a massive change to be a significant one, but the realisation at least, that I need to change my mindset before I can take any steps forward, is enough to keep me going.

Here is not where I want to be. But I have to keep reminding myself that I am ever growing, moving forward, changing in tiny ways. Here and now does not mean forever. Things will get better. I need to remember to enjoy the small things, and more importantly, to find ways to reignite my passion for things I loved, once upon a time before here and now happened to me.

I don’t know where this has come from, but I am going to embrace it, and see where it takes me.

Morning Walk, and Revelations

The morning air is crisp against my cheeks, painting them a fiery shade of pink. Nostalgia plays out scenes in my mind, as songs from my youth play accompaniment. There is a burn in my calves, always expected but not yet pleasant. Give it time.

As blood circulates and my heart rate increases, my hands are finally warm. They’re cold as ice so often lately. I pick up the pace as I pass a fluorescent shirt-clad road crew, as much uncomfortable at being seen as I am anxious about unsolicited comments. I’m sure they’re actually nice guys, but experience does make one wary.

Morning dew from the grass soaks the mesh of my shoes, and then my socks. I step over a used condom on the ground, and a pothole in the dirt that I almost tripped in two days ago. I walk into the familiar car lined street that I call home.

I’ve been starting my days with a walk lately. I regret every moment of the half hour that I push myself, after months of almost no exercise at all. But I forget how much better I feel when I start my days this way. Even if nothing else, I can at least say I’ve accomplished one thing. So, I have decided that today is going to be a good day. And it’s time to drag out the badass, punk rock babe that has been in hibernation for far too long. You’ll forgive me for posting twice in 12 hours, but goddamn am I ready to change my mindset, and tackle this new day with a whole new perspective. Here goes nothing.

Shift

I feel strange. I’m not sure if it’s the change in the weather, or my pending move, or something that will simply reveal itself in time. But I woke this morning with a curious feeling that I cannot quite put a name to. I feel as if something is coming; a shift of some kind. As yet, I’m not sure whether this is a good thing, or bad. I’ll just have to wait and see how everything progresses.

Frankly, there is something about this time of year that makes me reflective. And I don’t just mean because the year is waning, and drawing ever closer to it’s end. Time seems to be slipping away from me faster than ever before, and the list of things I want to do grows ever bigger and seemingly more unattainable. I can’t help but feel like I’ve wasted the opportunities this year has given me, and yet on the other hand it feels as though the Universe is conspiring to drive me constantly back to the same places, both literally and figuratively. If there’s a reason for this, I’ve yet to discover what it is, but I no longer have the energy to fight it. Perhaps this has been my problem all along. Fighting against the tide only works for so long, before you must resign yourself to the fact that perhaps it is better to just let the current take you wherever it intends you to go.

I have to believe that whatever this change is that I can sense coming, is going to be for a good reason, even if that reason is not immediately apparent to me. I have to remember that there are some things I have no control over, and try to just go with the flow, whatever comes.

I can only hope that this shift brings with it something positive. I’ve had quite enough negative for this year, thank you very much.

What to do When You Don’t Win the Lottery

I didn’t win the lottery today. I won back fourteen dollars of the twenty two it cost me to buy the ticket, but the fifteen million, as I understand it, was won by someone in Queensland. Lucky bastard.

I never actually buy lottery tickets and expect to win, and I don’t buy them regularly. Just every so often, when I’m feeling particularly unlucky, I purchase one. See, even though I never expect to win, I figure if my luck is so bad to warrant buying a ticket, then maybe the universe will take pity on me, and grant me some millions. Amy logic, and logic that has never won me more than twenty five dollars at a time, but I stick with it because…well, we all have to hope forĀ somethingĀ better, right?

Take my trip to Tasmania (is just over a month now guys, I’m so excited!). I am taking the trip because I need a break from pretty much everything. But I am also going for two other reasons; to write, and to look for employment opportunities. Because, since I didn’t win the lottery today (or any other day), I figure it is up to me to try and better my own situation. Despite my periods of doubt and unhappiness, I am taking a proactive approach to keeping my head above water. The issue with trying to find work in Tassie is, unfortunately, the lack of job opportunities. There are more jobs in this one city than the entirety of Tasmania. But nevertheless, I am going to scout it out and see if maybe something comes up. It surely can’t hurt!

See, I kind of came to this realisation a few weeks back, after my first job application in Tasmania, and the subsequent conversation I had with my best friend. He said that the job in question (which I’m certain I didn’t get, since I haven’t heard anything back) could end up being really lonely. And I said to him, “so maybe I only do it for a year. The beauty of decision making is that it’s so rarely final.” And it has kind of become my mantra lately. I know that where I am right now, is not the place I have to stay, either mentally or geographically. At the end of the day, the decision with what to do with my life is mine, and mine alone. And I have to stop letting everything and everyone else try to make that decision for me. So I make a choice, potentially make a move. And if it doesn’t work out, (like the last one), then I move on and find something new. I always talk about wanting to spend my life on adventures, maybe now is the time to start.

Finding the Good in Every Day

Image result for chocolate

Ok, so we all know I’m not exactly the most positive person in the world. It’s not that I’m negative on purpose, it’s just my brain likes to automatically assume the worst. It’s a bad habit that, at 24, I think I need to break. Or at the very least, I need to start working on breaking. You know what they say, transformations don’t happen overnight.

So I am going to try and find at least one good thing in every day. Some days that is going to be easy, some days I’m sure I’ll struggle. But the point is to at least find something, even if that one good thing is as simple as getting out of bed. Take yesterday. I could have focused on a certain thing that made me absolutely livid. And believe me, the thing in question had me sending angry, ranty snapchats to a couple of people so I could vent. But if I allow that one thing to ruin my day, I would have to completely disregard the larger number of good things that happened yesterday. Good things like the fact that I got to have dinner with my friend Sarah. Or the fact that work went reasonably quickly. Or the fact that Tara Moss, a woman who I’ve come to greatly admire – and be inspired by – started following me on Instagram. I admit, that last one kind of made my whole week.

I figure if I am able to find something good in every day, then I can focus on that one (or more) good thing instead of getting caught up in the negative. And that one good thing will hopefully make it easier to be ok on those days when I don’t feel ok. So here’s to the good things. May they be plenty, and constant.

By the way, today’s good things are chocolate and Amorphis. Or music in general, really. I get to play my own music at work because I’m the only one in the shop, and it genuinely makes me happy to get to chill out and listen to some awesome tunes. And chocolate…well, that doesn’t really require an explanation!

Tiny Positivity in an Otherwise Miserable Fortnight

My life is in the midst of falling spectacularly to pieces. I haven’t even been living in the city for a month, and already I’m missing home. And you know things are bad when I actually miss the town that had me feeling so stunted and stuck. I can’t work out if it’s just the adjustment period, or the bad headspace, or if it’s the combination of all the little things that have built up and turned into something so much bigger. Perhaps all of these things together attribute to this mess of mine.

It’s been a bad couple of weeks. I’ve been waking up every day to a wretched combination of existential dread, and depression, and it makes getting out of bed exponentially harder. I can’t shake it, so instead I have to go to work and feign normality and if not outright happiness, then at least some modicum of mild contentment. This week they finally got me into my new shop, which should have been awesome. But after a few days of drama, unnecessarily irate customers, the worst set up in the history of shop openings, and technical difficulties that make my job incredibly complicated and inconvenient, I can’t say it’s been a super thrilling ride thus far. The plus side is that the shop is new, I’m working on my own, and I can set it up how I like. The downside is that a franchisee if buying it in November, which means all my hard work is for the benefit of someone else. And to make matters worse, I just got out of the creepy, poorly organised shop that messes with my head and had me in tears last week, only to be told that when the franchisee takes over, they’ll put me back there six days a week. My increasingly fragile mental state might not be able to take it.

And then there’s those technical difficulties I mentioned. In addition to the troubles at work, a couple of weeks ago my laptop decided to stop cooperating. The dreaded black screen of death reared it’s ugly head, and I’m left with a laptop full of writing that I can’t access. It’s frustrating, especially for a creative person like me, who relies on being able to create to keep herself sane. My best friend/hero/emotional saviour is sending me a laptop to keep me going, so I have that to look forward to. I just have to work out a way to extract my hard drive from my poor defeated Atticus so that I can salvage my work. And if that wasn’t enough, yesterday my phone died with the same problem. With no explanation, it simply refused to turn on past a blank screen. So there goes all my photos, recordings, messages and phone numbers. I spent a larger portion of yesterday trying to set up a new phone but the inconvenience was certainly enough to make me throw my hands up in frustration.

In amongst all of this is trying to navigate the city (I’ve been lost a lot), working out how to happily live with someone else, trying to organise my one day off into some small measure of productivity and the underlying anxiety about uprooting my entire life for the possibility of something better that had, thus far, been very far from my expectation.

But despite all this, there is some light ahead. I woke up today and for the first time in two weeks, I didn’t feel like burying my head under the covers and hiding forever. The sun is out and there’s a real feel of spring in the air today. A hint of positivity peeked out from where it had been hiding and I am ready to tackle this day, and anything that comes with it. I’m hoping that this is the start of an upward curve. No pressure, Little Positivity. You just get me through today and I’ll be content.

On Thinking About the Future, and Appreciating the Present

I don’t think about the future much anymore. I used to. I used to look forward to my imaginary future, the one I wanted. But I’ve sort of realised that the future we want for ourselves is not necessarily the future we get. And there’s nothing wrong with having goals, and plans. But they have to be realistic. Within reason, and capability. If we spend our lives waiting for the future, we’re going to completely miss the present.

The present is not always a good place to be. Sometimes we’re sick, or we have a bad day, or we just don’t want to move from bed, and all we want is for it to be over, so we can move past whatever is holding us down, or holding us back. But I guess you have to take the bad days with the good, and just be thankful that you have days, regardless.

There are things I want, and I know it’s going to take work to get them. But I’m not stressing about it. I’ve talked about this before, I know. But it’s the first time I can remember being ok with things to such a finite degree. I feel as though this weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I was so used to that I didn’t even notice it was dragging me down until it was gone. I went from sinking slowly but surely to the bottom of a metaphorical pit of nothingness, to rising well up and out of it. It’s a good place to be, up here. I think I might stay a while.