A String of Sentences

Anger bubbles, soon to be quelled. Silent promises never honoured, keep your emotions to yourself.

Words unspoken, choking tongue and tasting bitter. Fists clenched, hold back, everything is fine.

Indulge. Pander. Pretend. Play the role, live the lie. No one cares to know, no one thinks to care.

Frustration leaves marks on the skin, half moon scars. Mustn’t be a burden. Listen, smile, leave welts in flesh. Bleed quietly.

Paste a grin, wear the mask. Don’t let them in.

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One Day

“One day,” she said, “someone is going to look at you, and see all the things they ever hoped for. You won’t have to spend another night with Loneliness for your only companion, or crying silently in the dark where no one can see. One day, someone is going to choose you, and they will keep on choosing you, every single day thereafter. One day, my sweet child, you are going to be happy. Do not give up hope, nor resign yourself to bitterness. And remember that you are worth so much more than you think.”

26.01.18

Teetering on the edge of “tear my hair out” frustration.

Hit with a severe case of no inspiration.

Sweating in heat, lack of precipitation.

I can’t even be bothered with masturbation.

There’s a holiday opinion dividing the nation.

Proving their points in mass demonstration.

Though all I can think, to my indignation, is

Long weekend, but no motivation.

Cramped Creativity

I’m feeling a little cramped at the moment. This is partly due to having no space at dad’s (once again, not his fault) and partly due to the fact that I wish I could just take a month off from everything, sit down and create.

I’m really enjoying my new job, and I can’t adequately express how much I love being at home. In the last month I have been infinitely better and happier than I ever really was in the whole nine months I spent in the city. My life, as a whole, has greatly improved. So please don’t think I’m just here to complain!

As I’ve said (countless times) before, I am a creative person, and making stuff or writing stuff or practicing stuff is what keeps me grounded and mostly even tempered and…y’know, sane. And it’s been a fair while since I’ve really done any. Whilst it’s true that I am in the middle of making a dress, it’s a little different than casual calm creating because a) the friend I’m making it for is in the city, whereas I am at home and b) there is a certain element of stress and pressure that comes with making a dress for someone to wear to her wedding. Don’t get me wrong; my friend has been lovely and accommodating and patient…so very patient with me. Rather it’s a kind of self imposed pressure to not fuck it up because let’s face it; that would suck.

When the dress is done, I have another skirt to finish for my friend Lou. It’s mostly complete but I stuffed up the zip insertion and so now have to buy a new one and fix it properly. Then I have a pair of pants to make for my friend’s six year old son, and then I’ve been asked if I can repair a favourite leather handbag of a woman I work with. It’s great that I’m getting all these requests but it does make it hard to find the time to complete them when I’m working full time and still travelling to the city every weekend. I mean, I haven’t even had time to do my own washing in the last two weeks, much less find time to sew!

And do you remember my 200 words a day writing goal? Well, that’s fallen completely by the wayside. My laptop died and I never had the time and so when I got home, I bought a new tablet to replace my poor dead Atticus. Of course I then got home to discover that it’s not compatible with iTunes so I have to find another way to store and play my music. And, despite being a Microsoft tablet, is doesn’t have Microsoft Office installed…! Which means no writing program for me! At least until I buy the program…at nearly $300 a pop. *sigh*

Now, it’s unlikely that I’ll find that month to take off, especially since I’ve just signed a full time contract for the next six months. But I’m considering another trip to Tassie next year so maybe I’ll get another creative holiday in there then. Until that time though, I shall just have to squeeze in creating time where I can and then perhaps stop taking on commissions one after another!

Oh! Fun little fact which is slightly off topic but which excites me greatly; I’m getting the internet set up at home! Which means I can write blogs on my laptop instead of my phone, and most importantly, try and utilise YouTube to potentially learn how to play my many instruments! It’s a brave new world, y’all! 

Heart

Curse you, foolish, sentimental heart.

I would sooner tear you from my body than let your wickedness poison me any longer.

Rot. Wither and die before me, as the cavity you left in my chest weeps and bleeds.

I can do without you. I will grieve you not.

In Which I Suffer From Creators Block…Again.

 

I’ve hit a bit of a creative block. Like a giant, impenetrable brick wall smack bang in my path of creativity. And this ain’t no Harry Potter wall, that you can tap with an umbrella and stroll casually through to world of magic (or imagination in this case). It is a huge, threatening wall of bricky-ness, and it is solid and imposing and mean. Due to a whole bunch of extraneous factors, I haven’t been able to focus on any of my creative outlets. I’ve been trying to stay true to my goal of 200 words a day, but in the last couple of weeks, I’ve really had to wrench those 200 words out of my brain, with no small measure of difficulty. And instead of feeling accomplished afterwards, I feel exhausted, and like I never want to write another word so long as I live. The last time I tried to play a bit of Rocksmith on my day off, I had a phone call that had me in tears by the end, and I lost all motivation I had for rocking out. And don’t even get me started on my lack of sewing inspiration/motivation.

It happens to everyone. We’ve all dealt with a blank screen, an empty machine, an unrealised dream. And it can be really disheartening. Especially for someone, like me, who relies on being creative to stay sane and hold onto some modicum of contentedness. On one hand, the goals I set at the start of the year are, in a way, forcing me to get my creative on. But on the other, there’s also a little bit of self imposed pressure to get done the things I don’t really feel like I can do (lately anyway). Self motivation is kind of a double edged sword that way.

We are five days into February, and I haven’t even given my sewing machine so much as a sideways glance in at least two weeks. I have a pile of fabric stacked on the table, and I guiltily avoid looking at it every time I set foot into the kitchen. The thing is, I actually have an idea of my next make in my head. I purchased some blue and navy rayon at Lincraft a couple of weeks ago with the intention of making a romper. But then I also bought this really adorable embroidered gingham about a week later, and the idea in my head would be perfect for that instead. Yet despite actually having a half formed design in my head, I still haven’t been able to find the time or the interest to throw myself into the project. And this is why I set my goal at one new make a month, instead of a week, or a fortnight. I expected that there would be issues with time, and lack of motivation, and so I knew I needed to allow myself the month to create a new piece. For my own peace of mind, as well as my sanity.

But nevertheless, I keep coming up against that giant wall of doubt and uncertainty and totally empty brain. Creators block is a thing, and it can suck a giant penis in hell. It doesn’t help that every few days, I get a notification on Facebook, reminding me that I haven’t posted to the page in a week or so. I gotta say, I truly am growing to loathe the phrase “Keep up the good work with The Elegant Fox”. No, fuck you Facebook, I do not need a constant reminder of how I am failing as a creative person. *cries a little bit*

It will pass. At some point I will break through the haze of blankness and come out like some kind of monster of creativity, spilling words and sewing things in a frenzy until I make up for the last couple of weeks in the space of a couple of hours. It’s a process, and it is only that certainty that I will be motivated again that prevents me from throwing myself down in despair and sobbing for a million years. (Wow, I’m really getting imaginative with my description here…maybe the block is already gone!). Like Sarah in Labyrinth, all I have to do is find a break in the wall. Only I’m trying to get my creativity back, not a baby.

Image result for labyrinth wall movie

Anyway. Tomorrow I am going shopping with my friend for fabrics for her wedding dress, and I’m honestly more excited about that than I have been about anything in about a fortnight. So here’s to finding good things in shit times, here’s to the eventual return of my creativity, and here is to my friends having faith in my abilities, even when I don’t. *raises glass entire bottle of wine*

On NaNoWriMo, and Kicking my Own Butt

I’ve been really struggling to get any writing done lately. First, there was the dead laptop. And after that was fixed, save for a short lived writing frenzy prompted by excitement at having my laptop back, it was lack of time and motivation. Otherwise known as excuses.  So, in an attempt to motivate myself and hold myself accountable, I signed up for NaNoWriMo this year.

I’ve heard a lot of really good things over the last couple of years about this excellent annual event, but never quite got around to doing it. This year, I figured there’s nothing like an online community and word counter to keep me motivated. The only problem is that it hasn’t really worked so well. It’s not you, NaNoWriMo, it’s me. You’ve been great, really, and that dress totally doesn’t make you look fat. It’s just…I’ve been single for a really long time, and I don’t remember what it’s like to be in a committed relationship.

That’s kind of how it feels. Like I’m in a relationship with someone caring and supportive and totally awesome, and I’m dropping the ball. I’m a terrible girlfriend, I know. But I promise I’ll be better, if you just give me a chance. See, I haven’t been doing very well at all. Firstly, I forgot I’d even signed up until four days into November. And then, though I made a strong start in an attempt to make up for lost time, I allowed myself to get distracted by episodes of Gossip Girl instead of writing. (By the way, on the GG front, don’t judge me. I started watching it to get some fashion inspiration for clothing to make, and then got entirely too into the poxy plots). But I have been trying harder. I bought a new notebook to take to work with me, and have been writing by hand and manually counting my words to enter in. It’s a much slower process than blasting out the words on a laptop, but I kind of like it. It allows me to really get into what I’m writing instead of focusing so much on how many words I’ve written. When you don’t have a running tally unless you do it yourself, it becomes less about how much or how little you have written, and more about the actual words. It’s cathartic.

I am taking any spare moment I have to get some words out on paper, and despite being way too behind on my word count (the number of words I have to get to achieve the target goal on time increases by the day), this is the most motivated I have been to write in…well, a really long time. And if for no other reason, signing up for and participating in NaNoWriMo this year has been beneficial to me as a writer, and as a person. I feel like I need this motivation, as some kind of validation. I have been talking about being a writer since I was little, but I have been fluffing about for a lot of that time too, and I think people have stopped taking me seriously. In the spirit of full disclosure, I think I have stopped taking myself seriously, and that’s the problem. I have had enough of allowing myself to be lazy. They talk about chasing your dreams; well, I’m about to.